The Fifth Circle of Hell

Explosive....

2009-12-14T04:47:00.000-08:00

You ever have that kind of connection with someone?

A powerfully intense, magnetic and explosive connection? I have that with Daddy and it is pure insanity somedays.

Take last night, for example. We argued. We argued violently over issues pertinent to our relationship. We were sputtering and hissing at one another like two wet cats. It even got so nasty that Daddy told me to "Shut the Fuck Up". I was so furious, I could of coldcocked him right there, if I wasn't driving a standard at the time. So, instead, I dropped him off at home, drove around our neighbourhood until I felt calmer, went back to the house and then we didn't speak to one another for hours.

It's a pattern for us by now. We argue and then don't speak to one another. It makes me feel a little crazy because I like to settle things right away instead of letting them drag on, but that is not Daddy's fighting style. He likes to let things drag on forever.

But, I am angry and raging this time. I am sure things are over. Daddy even mentions "taking a break" from one another and I do not shy away from the idea.

As the silent hours tick on and we finally go to bed that night, that fucking connection thing I was talking about kicks in.

I am innocently standing at the sink brushing my teeth as Daddy walks in and takes a piss. I turn my head to glance at him and his body is fucking hot and smoking, as he stands there so leisurely. His legs are long and muscled, his ass is tight, his back is that perfect "V" shape, his neck, his arms...he looks over his shoulder and gives me a devilish grin with that perfect mouth.

Everything is fucking perfect and I am sucked in again. So much so, that I follow him to bed with no panties on.

I get into bed and Daddy pulls me into him and feels my nakedness. I can almost see his smile in the darkness. I have succumbed to the "connection" again. That damn sexual attraction that we feel towards one another is so strong that it transcends whatever argument we have and we always end up back together. It is like drug addiction, were we are both the "fix" for one another.

His fingers find my sweet spot, he knows it so well, and I arch my back against him and whisper "You know we can't stay away from one another"

How true, how true.

We end our argument with me screaming out "Fuck me with that big cock Daddy"
To which he obliged, and then emptied his massive load in my pussy.

Then we snuggled and fell asleep all tangled in one another.

Happens every damn time.

The other day, Daddy and I were just talking and he brought up this connection we have. He said that there is a lot of "sexual tension" between us. And there really is, it's so weird. We look at one another like we want to rip each other's clothes off.....all the time.

There is a lot of passion and desire between the two of us. Almost 2 years have passed since we met.....and there is no one on this planet that I want more than him. He just DOES something for me. The lust I feel for him is so all encompasing.

I think I would like to taste the lust again when he comes home from work tonight ;)

Double Lives.....

2009-12-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.....what a shame.

You know, I always thought Tiger Woods was boring, in that squeaky clean jock who is devoted to his sport kind of way. He never did anything for me. He was just "Boring".

He seemed so robotic, always wearing his little red shirt, playing a perfect game, doing and saying the right things. But "quel surprise" to find out that he is human, just like the rest of us.

I honestly don't have any judgements to make in regards to what he's done...as once upon a time, I found myself in the exact same situation as he is in now, only with a lot less money :P

I was a selfless nurse, a loving mother, a dutiful wife, a penitant churchgoer, a tireless volunteer.....and I also used to meet up with men that I met online for sex. A complete dichotomy.

I lived that double life. I knew it well. I was a well of secrecy. No one in my personal life ever had an inkling of what I was up to. Hiding everything from my spouse, took enormous amounts of energy, planning and deceit. I was consumed with guilt and self loathing for the things I did, yet it didn't stop me. I got so sloppy, near the end. I really wanted to be caught. I wanted the lies to end. I wanted to be free. I wanted to stop living the lives of two very different people.

I was a conflicted and deeply unhappy human being.

So, for Tiger, I get it. I've been there. And it's a very lonely place to be. Someone who is driven to such extents is someone who is very torn and unhappy indeed.

Amazing, eh, that someone with so much money, so much talent, a beautiful wife, adorable children...a charmed life, some would say, would throw it all away for clandestined sex.

But, I get it. And even thought there is a media circus surrounding you right now, I am glad for your sake that your double life is finally over. That the truth is finally out there.

Living with the truth is so much easier than living a lie day in and day out. I am finally free of that demon, and it cost me my marriage, friendships and being branded the "black sheep" of the family, but in the end it was worth it.....because I am free to live the way I want and to be the person I want to be.

For the first time in many years, I am free. And you can't put a price tag on that...no matter how much money you already have.

So, good luck to you buddy. I hope you figure things out and come out of this a happier person.

Anti Christmas

2009-12-04T07:06:00.000-08:00

Holy shit, it's December.

How the hell does it sneak up on us like that? Wasn't it was just October, like yesterday, and now here we are 3 weeks away from Christmas.

I am feeling decidedly "un-Christmasy" this year. I don't know why. I was quite the go getter at first and have had all my Christmas shopping done for weeks. But now, I just kind of feel like "Meh" and don't really seem to care anymore. The presents have actually been sitting in my closet ever since I bought them.

The Christmas tree has been up for a week, undecorated. I haven't even put the lights on it. My Christmas sprit has just got up and left.

Bah Humbug!

You see, the thing is, I am not religious at ALL. So, all this "birth of Christ" crappola doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I used to be somewhat religious, once upon a time. But that time is long gone. So, because of my "past" religiousness, I actually have a Nativity set and put it up with the kids a few days ago.

Not one single kid, of mine or Daddy's, knew who any of the characters were. Not even baby Jesus. Part of me felt a little bit guilty about that and then part of me felt good that I hadn't filled my children's heads with mythical nonsense.

Yes, I truly am one of those who do not believe. Somedays, I wish I did though because the realization that this life is ALL there is, is quite depressing and sad. To think that all we are, are just apes whose brains grew too big, is truly depressing to me. To believe in an afterlife, a place where you will be rejoined forever with your loved ones is just too far fetched for me....but I wish it were true.

I have recently been quite sick and perhaps that accounts for my lack of Christmas cheer. Sick, as in requiring the services of a surgeon. I have been quite bleedy, full of pain, sedated and whiny.....and Daddy has handled it all like a champ.

I believe that, quite possibly, I am the worst sick person on the planet. I detest being sick. I feel like I am supposed to be the caretaker, not the patient. Consequently, I am filled with guilt that someone else has to look after me and I analyze my every single symptom to death in an attempt to get better quicker. I also refuse to take enough pain medication because I am terrified of becoming addicted to pain killers. Consequently, I wake up in the middle of the night, riddled with uncontrolled pain and finally give in and take the medication I should of taken in the first place. And then I lay there for an hour and whimper while I wait for the medication to take effect. I am just horrid.

I do like it when Daddy takes care of me though. It really feeds into that Daddy/little girl thing we have together. He makes me soup, gives me my medicaion, rubs me. It is very comforting.

He is not all bad, you know. I generally portray him to be a monster on here. And sometimes, it's true...he really is a giant ass. I have never lied about anything that he has done. It is all the truth.

Daddy is sometimes hurt or upset by the things I say about him, here on my blog. But the truth is, he is not all bad. Sometimes, he is quite wonderful. The chemistry between us is something I have never experienced with another human being. I had never had such chemistry before. It is explosive and seems to spill over into other aspects of our relationship. Everything is intense. The love, the hate, the sex, the arguing.

We talk very openly about how we feel and I am frequently surprised by how often Daddy will come out and tell me what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling, even before I open my mouth. He is very intuitive sometimes.

He does have some really wonderful qualities and that is what makes me stay when things aren't so good.

Why isn't he divorced yet?

2009-11-25T06:59:00.000-08:00

Way back when I first met Daddy, we were both still married. No, let me rephrase that.....

Back when I met Daddy, I was married and still living at home with my husband and children. Daddy had been tossed out on his ass by his ex wife 6 months prior, under the guise that they were going to try and "work things out".

Yeah right.

So, Daddy and I meet and it's sparks a fireworks all around. I am completely swept off my feet by him. He's charming, sexy, dominant, intelligent, funny and says the most wonderful things to me. It's like catnip to the soul after my very long and difficult marriage.

So, I decide that life is too damn short to be unhappy one minute longer and I leave my husband for this amazing relationship that I have found with Daddy.

And I mean leave "everything". I leave my children behind and from then on am only a "part time mother" with 50/50 custody. I leave my beautiful house behind with acres of land to buy a house on my own in the city with a much smaller lot. I leave behind the relationship with various members of my family, who now refuse to speak to me because I've left my husband. I leave behind financial security and now have to work more than I've ever worked before to make ends meet.

And I do it.

I do it all, because it is for Daddy and I, so we can be together.

So, fast forward almost two years from that initial meeting. Just disregard for a moment all that has gone on in the past two years and all the problems we've encountered along the way and one thing is still left standing and glaring me in the face.....

Daddy is still legally married to his cunt of an ex wife.

I, on the other hand, have done everything in my power to cut the ties to my ex husband and susbsequently, we are no longer married. Our divorce was granted last month. I did all the leg work myself because I wanted it to be over, to finally be free and no longer tied to my ex under the eyes of the law. I petitioned the court all by myself. I showed up for the trial, all by myself. I did everything all by my fucking self. I didn't ask for anyone's help, I did it myself because I was in a relationship with Daddy and it was the right thing to do...to be divorced and not let things drag on forever.

I was with Daddy now, not my ex husband, so what purpose did it serve me to stay married to someone else????

Yet, Daddy is STILL married and is no closer to being divorced than he was 6 months ago when I prodded him into getting a lawyer. I mean, how can that be??? He is so apathetic about the whole thing, he just couldn't care less either way whether he's divorced or not. He drags his ass on bringing papers in to the lawyers office. He doesn't call his lawyer to see where the divorce is at or what he needs to do to make it speed up. He just doesn't give a shit one way or another whether he is divorced or not.

Whenever I bring it up, he says to me "What difference does it make? When I go to bed at night, I am laying down next to you". Give me a break. It makes a HUGE difference. It means you are no longer tied to another person. It means that you have moved on. It means you have put a period at the end of the fucking sentence.

It makes a tremendous difference to me. To me, it shows a lack of commitment and respect for OUR relationship. To me, it shows that he is unwilling to be proactive and do what it takes to sever the ties between him and his ex wife. I mean, WHY would he want to stay legally married to her? He has already asked me to marry him 9 months ago and I said "yes", so why hasn't he worked towards getting a divorce?

It just makes no sense. He has been separated for much longer than I was, yet he is still married while I am now divorced.

I feel angry and betrayed. I gave up so much to be with him and in the end, he is still married and I am not.

Something is wrong with this picture....

Leo and Cancer up a tree......

2009-11-22T16:05:00.000-08:00

So, what's new today?

Well, Jamie is mad at me for my previous post on my take of my visit and subsequent meeting between him and our son.

All along he has maintained that he doesn't read my blog but I know he's a freaking liar. Of course he reads. I know he does. If he had one, I would probably read it too. It's just a natural curiosity to see what someone else is thinking.

Anyway, he emailed me the same day I posted and told me off.

Great.

"Well, I looked at your blog as it's the only way to ever get your true feelings out of you... WTF is your problem? You're in no position to bitch about anything, here.

You have no idea what goes on in my life, or what I have to deal with. My gf and I had a huge fight before I saw you. I figured the best way to get past this all as quickly as possible would be for us to both just go over. Stop thinking you were set up. It's not all about you, you know. The fact that my parents apologized to you pisses me the fuck off, too. Just like always, I'm left in the fucking dark. I have parents that hide things from me and go behind my back, an immature girlfriend, and a stupid cunt of an ex who can only come clean to strangers on the internet.

Please don't email me for a few months... just stay the fuck away. You piss me the fuck off."

Lovely.

You know, the part that I don't understand though is that I DID tell him how I felt about the visit in an email I had sent to him previous to this little freak out of his. He had asked me how I'd felt about everything and I told him pretty much everything that I wrote in my post here. So, I am not really sure what part he is so pissed off about.

I love the part though where he calls me a "stupid cunt of an ex who can only come clean to strangers on the internet".

*sigh*

Somedays, I just want to walk away from all this and tell him to leave me alone for good. It would make both of our lives easier. I just don't know what it is about him but we just seem to get under one another's skin. It's a love/hate relationship, for sure. I love him because he's the father of my son, but then part of me wants to slap him repeatedly.

I guess I am just pissed that he would tell me to fuck off just days after meeting our son. Why would he do that, especially since I had already told him how I felt about the meeting the day before I posted to my blog? Did reading about it make it more real, somehow?

I don't know anymore. I just don't understand him. We're both so very different but we have this child in common...and now he has told me to go fuck off....again.

I don't think we are ever going to get anywhere with this. We just can't seem to get along. We like each other, we hate each other. We like each other, we hate each other. I don't know if it's because we have unresolved feelings for one another or if it's because we actually hate one another but are tied together in some form for the rest of our lives by our child.

God, life is complicated.

Staring into the abyss......

2009-11-20T06:19:00.000-08:00

I am tired of my shitty life.

Yet, I stay and put up with it rather than just cut my losses and move on. Why do I accept less when I deserve more ? I have no idea. I am spineless and weak, apparently.

The latest episode in my little saga involves Daddy having a conversation with my best friend about blowjobs.

Fanfreakingtastic.

My best friend and I have been best friends for the past 26 years. We met way back when we were little kids.

She recently has been having a lot of marital troubles at home and has been coming over to my house waaaay more than she ever has. The problem is her husband won't put out anymore, is distant, so consequently they fight alot and he spends a lot of time on the computer and away from the home.

I think he's having an affair and have said as much, but she thinks that I'm wrong.

My problem, however, is with Daddy. He has told me on numerous occasions that my friend is "attractive" or "cute". Okay, fine. I would never say such a thing to him about his friends because it is hurtful and threatening, but whatever.

Whenever my friend comes over, he makes it a point to hang around the entire time. He makes conversation, plays with her 6 month old baby, flirts, etc.

Last night, my best friend made a comment to him about how I have recently gotten braces put on my teeth and how could I still give him a blowjob and Daddy went on in detail to tell her how he liked his c@ck sucked.

I just sat there like someone sucker punched me. Daddy later said that he figured if I felt that the topic was inappropriate that I should of said something. I mean, come on. Couldn't he figure out himself that talking about getting his cock sucked with my best friend was probably not a topic that I was going to approve of.

I mean, SHE is supposed to be my best friend and HE is supposed to be my boyfriend.

After she left, we got into a huge fight. He thinks he did nothing wrong by answering her question. I am furious at her for even asking and furious at him for not blowing her off.

I would never have such disrespect towards Daddy to talk about how I like my twat licked with his best friend. It just seems so disrespectful and I half wonder if anything is going on between the two of them.

He said I am just being totally insecure.

Of course I am being insecure. He has chatted online with a 24 yr old. He has texted with other women and lied about it. He has obsessively watched and downloaded porn. He has contacted his ex gf on Facebook and sent teasing little messages back and forth. And now he has talked about how he likes his cock sucked with my best friend.

Why the fuck would I be insecure?????

When am I going to wake up?

The trip is over.....

2009-11-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I am back and the trip and initial meeting between Jamie and our son is finally over.

So, how do I feel about everything? How did everything go? Hmmm.....well, let's discuss what took place, shall we?

I arrived at Jamie's parent's place after travelling for 3 hours. I pulled into their driveway, turned off the car and who comes out of the house but Jamie. Now, I had not been expecting this because Jamie initially told me that he would NOT be there when I arrived. He told me that he would call later into the visit, possibly the next day and would then come over and meet our son.

I was not prepared to see him so suddenly like that and I immediately felt sick and panicky. I hadn't seen him in 8 years. No, let me rephrase that. I hadn't seen him in the flesh since giving birth to our child, eight years ago, and then pining away for him for years afterwards.

He walked over to the car and I got out and we hugged. A friendly, "Hey, haven't seen you since you pushed my kid out your twat, kind of hug". If was brief and uncomfortable. And then it dawned on me....since Jamie was here, did that also mean that his girlfriend was here also? Oh be still my heart.

"Is she here too? You told me that she wasn't going to be here at any point".

"Yeah, she changed her mind at the last minute and I figured it was going to be weird enough as it was, so what difference would it make"

Uh huh.

So, basically, I was completely set up and no one even bothered to warn me. Not Jamie, not his mother, not his sister, no one. Fucking wonderful.

So, I walked in the house and bitchface is there and is glaring daggers at me. Uncomfortable much? It's bad enough that this is only the second time that I have even met Jamie's parents...so, I don't even know them very well as it is. But add Jamie and his gf who has had an extreme hate on for me for several years and YEAH....FANTASTIC.

Jamie, his sister and bitchface take off downstairs with my son and leave me upstairs with the parents. I think that was the "plan" for the evening. But HELLO, my son just met you and this is only the second time that he's ever met your sister. So after ten minutes or so, I go downstairs to see what they're doing and walk right up to Jamie's gf and introduce myself....since no one else bothered to do so. I offered my hand out to shake hers and she barely touched it and said nothing to me. She wouldn't even look me in the eye.

Then, supper is ready and we all go back upstairs again. We all sit down to eat, with the exception of Jamie's gf, who has refused to eat, for some odd reason. Instead, she sits in living room, alone, and watches us eating in the dining room. The conversation was extremely tense and uncomfortable, you have no idea. I don't think I even said a word the entire time.

Finally supper is over, and Jamie, his mother, sister and gf take off downstairs again to the rec room with my son, leaving me upstairs with Jamie's stepfather. I mean, come the fuck on. I drove three fucking hours to be ambushed like this? I was so close packing up and leaving, you have no idea.

I felt extremely pissed off and marched downstairs and sat with everyone for the next 4 hours with no one saying more than a handful of words to me the entire time. It was almost like they were afraid that by making conversation with me, that it would be seen as disloyal to Jamie's gf.

The next day, we went out to take my son sightseeing with Jamie and his family. The gf didn't tag along this time, only because she had to work. Things were more relaxed and Jamie's parents took me aside and apologized for what had taken place the night before. They said that they had no idea that Jamie and his gf were going to show up and that they had just arrived shortly before we did and therefore they had no time to warn me. I told them it was okay....but I really felt that it wasn't. I felt really betrayed by this. Especially the way that everyone ignored me all night. It is almost like I am tolerated for the time being because my son cannot go and visit them on his own yet. So, until that time, I am just something to "put up with".

This whole first meeting was a big jumble of sadness, anger and fear. I was glad when it was all over. I felt extremely tense the entire time.

However, I was glad to finally see my son and Jamie together as they are two peas in a pod. They look alike, act alike and I pray that this relationship will be a good one for both of them.

Hopefully things will be smoother next time we all meet.

Pieces....

2009-11-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

I need something to pull me out of this hole.

I think I would like to start painting. I used to love drawing and painting when I was younger. I found it very calming. Perhaps that's something I should look into again. I would love to have an easel, so I could stand there and paint. It seems very romantic :)

So, today is an interesting day.....

I am travelling with my son to go and meet his biological father for the first time. I am so sick, I could just puke. I haven't seen Jamie in 8 years and I am extremely nervous and sick to my stomach. Part of me worries that he won't show and I will have drug my son through all this trauma for nothing, and then part of me worries that he will show.

We are meeting at his parents house, because they made the effort to contact me and actually came and met my son for the first time a couple of months ago. And you know what, I really like them. I was worried that meeting them would be awkward but it really wasn't. I hope they continue to be a part of my son's life. They are a really nice family. I worried that the fact that Jamie and I had had an affair so long ago would already be a strike against me in their eyes, but they were very kind and understanding.

And so now, I am going to visit them at their home and Jamie is supposedly going to come over as well. I feel so conflicted about the whole thing. If I could sum it up in one word, it would be AFRAID.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of what is going to happen. Will everything go well, or will Jamie's girlfriend come over and slash my tires in a psycho fit of rage?

Who the hell knows. Somedays I think my life is a Jerry Springer episode.

And then there's Daddy and how he feels about the whole thing. He has been somewhat jealous of Jamie in the past. I'm not sure if it's because of the sexual nature of our relationship or the fact that Jamie and I had a kid together. Or a combination of both. It makes no sense, really, because Daddy is not jealous of my ex husband at all....and I had sex with him too :P

Weird.

Last night, he told me to get upstairs because we were going to have sex. He said he had to "mark his territory" before I left to go meet Jamie today.

I found it amusing.

My life is.....

2009-11-11T08:24:00.000-08:00

a jumbled up mess.

No one ever said life would be this hard. Why doesn't it come with an Instruction Manual?

Tell me you love me....

I feel like I am running around in circles. Always chasing my tail and never going anywhere, really.

You know I love you so....

I've been trying hard to reach you, but I don't know what to do anymore. Somedays I think you get it, but then...

There is a job posting at work for the Psychiatry Floor. I've been thinking about it. A lot. I feel burnt out from Oncology nursing. It is emotionally draining every damn day that I walk onto the floor. "So and so is dying", "so and so is almost dying", "so and so's prognosis is poor". I am so tired of hearing that. Can't anyone just fucking miraculously get better?

We teamed a patient about a week ago. CPR was performed. Ribs were broken. The girls came running with the crash cart. Electrodes placed. "All Clear".

The woman died. That was it. Several hours before she had been talking with her husband, joking with me as I took her vitals, eating a sandwich, living.... and then she wasn't.

It is hard for me to wrap my head around this sometimes.

What do you do after something like that happens? The adrenaline just courses through your body. The fear and guilt over what you've just done to another human being sickens you. The trauma never leaves you. Scenes play over and over in your head.

A lot of the nurses on my floor can only sleep at night once they are sufficiently medicated with Ativan, Benadryl and Tylenol 3. It's a good combination. Bet you didn't know nurses did that, did you? It sounds sick and wrong on some level, doesn't it? I have yet to succumb to that particular crutch. However, the insomnia gets to me sometimes. It has been particularly bad lately.

I feel like the walking dead. Lumbering around, machinelike and numb. But once I get home and escape from the numbness, I frequently feel angry, sad and hopeless. Is it my job? Is it the state of my personal life? Or a combination of everything?

I got into an argument with Daddy today. His ex wife had called last night and said she was bringing their kids over and that one of them was sick...with fever and cough. Well, I don't know about you, but with all the H1N1 hysteria floating around and the fact that neither his children nor mine are vaccinated against it, got my ears pricked up a little. Okay, a lot. I am a nurse, what can I do? As soon as I hear that someone is sick, I need information, symptoms, details, etc.

I wanted to know how high was the fever, were there chills associated with it, how long had she had it? I wanted to know about the cough, was it dry, productive, croupy, was there any phlegm, what colour was it?

So Daddy, called her back and asked and her answer was "Oh, I didn't even take her temperature but she felt warm so I've been giving her Motrin and she's been coughing"

WTF!!!!

She didn't even take her temperature????? Then how did she even know that she was even febrile? "She felt warm" is a statement that is open to a lot of interpretation. OMG, I just can't deal with incompetence like this.

I was even more pissed when said sick child showed up at my door this morning, ready to infect my brood, and Daddy announces that ex wifey told him that "the fever had broken and that she was better". I immediately got VERY defensive and we started to argue. How the hell could he take the word of a fucking call centre worker with a high school education over MINE???????

She's a fucking idiot who didn't even take this kid's temperature in the first place. How in holy hell can she possibly have the intelligence and physical assessment abilities to even decide that "the fever had broken"?

Holy Flying Fiddling Fuck.

I fucking hate people sometimes.

2009-10-28T06:54:00.001-07:00

You know, people always put so much faith in doctors. "Doctors are so intelligent", "Doctors will tell us what to do", "Doctors will save us".

And you know what? Sometimes you're right. But from working as a nurse for so long, I have come to see a different side of the coin.

Doctors are pompous. Doctors disagree. Doctors are mean to patients. And Doctors are frequently wrong.

I saw something take place yesterday, between one of my patients and a doctor, that I have been unable to shake out of my head.

His callousness and basic disregard for dignity and privacy appalled me. It has been 24hrs and I am still fuming over it.

He came in, handled her pain and cancer riddled body like a slab of meat. Performed a procedure that required pain medication and freezing beforehand, without any. Did not pull her curtain to perform this procedure, then left the room with her exposed to the waist. He also did not clean up after the procedure and left everything just lying in her bed. He didn't even cover her wounds and she bled like a stuck pig all over the bed.

I am so angry, I am almost vibrating. The disregard that doctor showed for this poor patient, just sickens me.

I walked into her room to find her sobbing and bleeding and I wanted to cry too, but I sucked it up, dried her tears, got her some pain medication, cleaned and bandaged her wounds and changed her blood soaked sheets. There was nothing else I could do. He is a doctor and I am a nurse. I am the low man on the totem pole. There is no recourse for his behaviour. What are they going to do? Fire him because he's a complete and utter ass? Not on your life.

Unfortunately, there is generally no time for a nurse to cry her little eyes out with the patient....because that is exactly what I felt like doing with this poor woman. But, there is only time to react to the situation and help the patient.

Most nurses cry after the fact, when the trauma is over. We cry in the hallway outside the patients room, we cry in the presence of another nurse who more than likely will probably cry with us because they understand, we cry in the bathroom or nurses station but it is almost an unwritten rule among nurses that you don't cry in front of the patient.

I have found that over the years, that this has gotten easier and easier. Sometimes, I sit back and think of all the trauma and sickness and death that I've seen and wonder if I've become a machine because I am not curled into the fetal position.

I wrote several months ago about a young woman with cancer. I had to shave her head because her mother couldn't bring herself to do it. It was the last and only time it was done because she died several weeks later. Although it was difficult for me, I feel proud that I was able to do that one small task for her. I think about that day a lot and how I held it together until after my shift, then I cried my eyes out because I knew her prognosis was poor and there was nothing left that they could do for her.

What a miserable fucking job I have.

I have touched death so many times. I contemplate my own more than I care to admit.

Well kiddies, it is time to get going and face the day. Death waits for no one....and neither does my dog because she'll piss on the floor in a heartbeat if I don't let her out quick enough :P

-Posted by Kaii using BlogPress on the IPhone

Why can't I marry my IPhone?

2009-10-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

I mean really, it's fun and reliable. It entertains me when I am waiting in line. It keeps me up to date with my friends Facebook updates. It has useful applications, like this BlogPress one....and it's free!!!! Who doesn't love FREE, I ask you!?!

Expect more useless posts in the future, just like this one right here. Because I am plugged in now, baby. I've got my finger on the pulse of technology and it's screaming "Blog, Kaii. Blog your little heart out".

And I shall heed it's cries and blog for the good people of the world.

Hallelujah IPhone!!!

I think I need a hobby, or perhaps a Twitter account. OMG, I am a freaking genius!!

And this post has all been brought to you *without* any coffee this morning. It's all natural Kaii. Pure and unfiltered.

On a completely unrelated sidenote, I have done away with my email link on my profile page. Actually, I have done away with that email account entirely. It feels good to have done so. I felt that it embodied who I "turned into" as opposed to who I "really am".

Anyway, gotta run. Here's "cheers" to me and my very first IPhone post.

Cheers!! :P

-Posted by Kaii using BlogPress on the IPhone

By the Edge of the Sea......

2009-10-16T04:27:00.000-07:00

So much has been happening the last few weeks. I feel like the world is spinning out of control and all I can do is hold on for dear life.

First off, I would like to thank you all for commenting, emailing, etc, regarding my recent issues with Daddy. I thank each and every one of you for your support.

I don't know what's going to happen between us, but this recent blowup has led to a lot of frank discussion about why he acts and does the things he does. I'm not sure what's going to happen at this point. We speak to one another in a civil way, we sleep in the same bed but part of me wonders "when I am going to get tired of watching him like a hawk?". Or perhaps better yet, "When am I finally going to have had enough"? Because frankly, I have taken WAY more from him than I ever thought I would and then the question becomes "WHY".

I'm sure that I can hear the lot of you groaning from here as you all wished that I would drop kick his ass out the door but...well, I just don't know what to say, I guess.

I feel that I need a break from life, so I have finally gone ahead and purchased some land near the water. I am quite excited about it as I have wanted this for a long while now. You know, I really wanted Daddy to be involved in this purchase. I wanted it to be something we did together but it has been like pulling teeth. You know, when we moved in together, I went out and bought the house. I went around with the realtor, I paid the down payment, paid the lawyer, my name is the only name on the mortgage...and after being together all this time, that is apparently what is going to happen with this land purchase too.

It was me that looked for this land, me who scraped the financing together, me who met with the lawyer. Daddy did come and looked at the land with me but it was difficult to get him to make a decision one way or another about whether we should buy it or not. It was almost like he didn't want to commit. Oh who am I kidding, that's exactly what it was. He told me some crap story about how he didn't really have the money right now, but that didn't stop him from buying a $400 GPS a couple of days ago :(

Yet, I'm sure we will all (including his children) use this land that I have bought. But I feel disappointed. I just wanted us to do something together for once, from start to finish. I wanted something that we both had a stake in, something that was OURS instead of "mine, but you use it too"

:(

Who the fuck cares anymore, raise your hand....

2009-10-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

I think the problem is, that Daddy and I are two different people who want two different things out of life. I feel like I have loved him with complete abandon, while he always held back. I feel like I have always been 100% upfront and honest, while he has lied repeatedly.

I keep telling him that the fact that he jerks off to 18 yr old girls is eroding our relationship. I just cannot accept it and never will be able to. It plays into my insecurities about my own body, it leaves me feeling self concsious, like I will never be "enough" for him.

I will never be an 18 yr old nymph again. I will never have perky breasts and a perfect body. It makes me feel that *I* am not really what he is lusting after. It just sickens me to think that he strokes his cock while he watches these young women with their perfect bodies and bleached assholes....and then I let him stick that same cock in my lesser mouth, my lesser pussy, my lesser ass. I feel so used, you have no idea.

I basically have had no desire to have sex with Daddy this past week, not for lack of trying on his part. But I am so affected by his porn viewing and subsequent lying, that I just cannot degrade myself.

I don't think he is even aware of the self loathing and self hatred that I feel as a result of this. I feel that I am not enough anymore. That I was never enough, but just never knew it.

I asked him this morning how he would feel if I watched porn and masturbated to men with bigger cocks than his. He said he would be fine with this but I don't believe him because he is frequently insecure about the size of his penis. As a matter of fact, he frequently brings up the very large cock of the Frenchman that I fucked before I met him.

So, I said "Fine" and went ahead and did it this morning. I watched porn and masturbated and it was not fulfilling in the least. It felt cheap and dirty and wrong to fantasize about some strange man's huge cock fucking me, instead of Daddy's. I actually felt very sad about the whole thing.

I USED to watch porn at one point...before I met Daddy and had no one to satisfy me sexually. But now, I have him and porn has no place in my life. It is not something I long for, miss, think about, etc. It is just something that I used to do that now holds zero appeal for me because I have a living, breathing man to please me sexually.

But Daddy doesn't feel that way.....and it is killing me inside.

Jailbait Thongs, XXX Titties.....

2009-10-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

This post is not what you think.

So, if you are coming here searching for a good post to stroke your cock to, then you should look elsewhere. I suggest YouPorn or maybe RedTube.

I recently tried to kick Daddy out because he lied about watching porn. This has been a loooong suffering saga with porn. Porn is the bane of my existence. I catch him and freak out, and he promises not to do it anymore. Then I catch him again and freak out even more and the circle continues.

I actually just caught him yesterday, not even a week after the last time when I was so fed up that I told him to leave. Unfuckingbelievable. I cannot believe that my feelings mean so little to him.

To clarify, he is not an OCCASIONAL porn watcher. He is an hours at a time, downloading it to his computer, watching it all weekend long when it is family time, watching it when I am willing to fuck him at any time, watching it when he is watching our small children at home all by himself porn watcher.

So, don't tell me that this is "normal" and "all guys do it" because it falls under the obsessive category. We have actually been to counselling for this and the psychologist said to devote this much time and energy to something like this was "detrimental to yourself and detrimental to your relationships"

I guess the problem I am having, is that I feel worthless inside. I feel undesirable. I constantly feel that I have to "out porn" the porn to keep him interested in our sex life. So, consequently, ANYTHING (short of scat play) goes in our relationship. Seriously, I mean anything.

Sometimes I feel degraded and embarrassed that I do these things for him, but I feel that is the only way to keep him interested in sex with me as opposed to the porn.

Honestly, I am like a walking porno. I frequently feel angry and resentful during sex. I don't want to do these things a lot of the time. It's just so over the top.

*sigh*

It makes me feel bad about myself. I feel that the "real" me is not good enough and that I have to be this twisted and perverted version of myself.

He claims that he is attracted to me, that *I* am what he wants...that my body type, hair colour, look, etc is what he is attracted to. But if that is true, then why does he watch Jailbait porn, where you could break these women in half. I don't know about you, but I am not 18 anymore....not quite me, that's for sure.

Yet, that is what gets him hard and he strokes his cock and gets off to it. It almost feels like he's cheating on me, like all I get are the "leftovers" because he dedicates all his time and attention to these fantasy waifs.

I am so sad. You have no idea. I just feel so worthless inside. Every time I find porn on his computer and he lies about it, I feel that I love him less, I feel that I trust him less, I feel apathetic about the future of our relationship. I don't think he even realizes it, but I care less and less as time goes on. I have to, it's the only way I can protect myself. I don't think he even realizes what he is doing, or he does and simply doesn't care because the porn is more important than how I feel.

He keeps telling me that "all men do this, all men watch porn" but I have a hard time swallowing that.

Do you mean to tell me that ALL women feel this worthless and sad inside?

Business as Usual......

2009-10-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

The problem is that I have caught Daddy lying to me on multiple occasions for the past 10 months or so. Lying includes things like chatting online with other women (who were supposedly "just friends" but if that is the case why did he never tell me about it), deleting texts from these same women so that I wouldn't find out about him texting other women, watching porn obsessively (as in for hours at a time, even when I am home and wiling to fuck his brains out and yes, even when I am out getting groceries and he is watching our small children at home).

I have threatened to throw him out numerous times as I just can't take the fact that I can't trust him anymore. Yet, here we are 10 months later and he is still here.

We have gone to counselling and it seemed to help and I honestly thought that we were finally over all the previous bullshit with all the therapy we went to.

BUT, I got home from work last night and found him on his computer, no big deal as he is ALWAYS on his computer. But I trust him now because he is SORRY for what he has done in the past, right?

I casually ask him when the last time he looked for porn online and he said it was so long ago that he couldn't even remember when. He was so straight faced when he said it. I wanted to believe him, but "something" in my gut told me that he was lying.

So, when he left for work this morning, I checked out his computer. Now, as part of our counselling we BOTH have all passwords to email, facebook, banking, etc, on each other's computer. It is full disclosure, no hiding and no lying. Those are the rules.

And yet, here I was just this morning, opening up his laptop and WOW, what a surprise...look at all the porn. Even porn downloaded just the night before, when he told me "couldn't remember the last time because it had been so long ago".

Apparently, an hour before I got home from work is a "long time ago"

I don't know if it is so much a matter that he looked at porn, but more the fact that he lied right to my face without batting an eye.

Why can he lie to me so easily? Doesn't he have a conscience? Doesn't he feel badly when he lies?

I just don't understand anymore...

So, furious for being lied to again, I called him up, told him that I am packing his stuff as we speak and that he can get the hell out as I have had enough.

I am so angry. I just don't understand WHY?????? Why would he continue to lie to me after everything we've been through?

As sick as it sounds, I still love him and I am so sad about what this will do to our children, who have lived under our roof as brother and sister for the past couple of years.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am miserable.

My own father was emotionally and physically abusive when I was younger. I was never Daddy's little girl. I was always a pain in the ass, a bother, someone to belittle. I was a very sad and unwanted child. My parents were 16(mother) and 19(father).

Because of this, I have constantly sought out men who recreated this dynamic that I had with my father.

The problem with this relationship with Daddy that makes it particularly hard to let go of is the fact that he is a "Daddy" type.

It feels like he "fixes" or makes up for parts of me that feel wounded from my horrible childhood. It's hard to explain.

Also the sex is addictive as he fulfills every sexual fantasy or want I have ever had.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I need counselling. Maybe we BOTH need counselling again.

All I know is that he called my bluff last night, got a moving van, packed all his crap in it, refused to answer my many angry texts and numerous phone calls......and I ran home from work, a sobbing crying mess to meet up with him just as he was leaving, Then we had a big screaming fight until I started crying like a baby and told him I didn't want him to leave... and then we had makeup sex.

I am so pathetic.

To have him leave feels like my father leaving me all over again. I know it is hard to understand as Daddy is not really my "father". But he fills that role for me. To have him leave, just crippled me emotionally and left me curled up into the fetal position, sobbing like a baby. I couldn't function all day once the anger wore off. I couldn't even eat. I was so screwed in the head.

So...long story short, he is back and we continue to dance the dance.

Topsy Turvy World......

2009-09-29T03:36:00.000-07:00

It was almost over between Daddy and I this weekend.

Sometimes we each just get so sick of each other's shit that things come to a head and explode. It's a "Battle Royale" of who can say the most horrible, hurtful things first.

This last time, I was completely out of control and consumed with anger. The argument was pretty nasty and escalated to the point of me shoving Daddy several times as he packed his things to leave. I was furious that he was packing his things to go. I hadn't even asked him to leave, yet there he was....leaving me again.

I was so angry. I wanted him to stay and fight. To resolve things. To move on. I wanted him to feel that our relationship was worth sticking around and working things out. It infuriated me that he would just "walk away" after everything we've been through.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have never been like this in a relationship before and it bothers me that I shoved him. The only way I can explain it, is that I was hurting so much inside and talking to him just seemed to fall on deaf ears. I was angry. Really, really angry. Overtaken by anger. And so, I shoved him. Several times.

Our relationship is so fucking nasty. I just don't understand it anymore. It defies logic sometimes.

And yet, here we are, three days later...in love, snuggling at night and having intense, dirty sex.

I just don't get it.

Our relationship reminds me of this song, "Please don't leave me" by Pink. Every time I hear it on the radio, I think "Yep, that's us". I think, specifically, it's the lines

"I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?"

~OR~

"I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken"

~OR~

"How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty"

~OR

"Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it"

FanFuckingTastic.....

Happy Blogiversary!!!!

2009-09-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, fine.

I am writing something.

I feel scattered the last few days. I have actually opened up my blog half a dozen times with the intention of writing SOMETHING but have ended up with nothing.

It's hard to maintain and write a blog on a regular basis. I give my kudos to people who update every few days. I just don't have the dedication. Do you hear that people, I am undedicated :P

So, I realized something today. It is a few days shy of the second anniversary of my blog, so happy blogiversary to the Fifth Circle of Hell!! So much has happened in the past 2 years, it is hard to fathom what my life was really like just a few short years ago.

I was unhappily married, hating my job and hating life. I felt that I was stagnating and dying inside by staying with my now ex husband yet I was determined to stay for the sake of our children. I had actually contemplated killing myself and what implications that would have on the quality of life of my children. I just couldn't take it anymore. And so, I was acting out. I was doing things behind my husband's back as a way of "getting back at him".

I was actively seeking out and meeting men online for sex. It was a very dark and depressing time of my life. I look back on it now with a mixture of relief and shame. I am glad that time of my life is over. I am glad I am in a better place, although the path to get here was unpleasant.

I am so ashamed at some of the things that I did back then. I mean, meeting strangers online for sex? You can't get much lower than that. I should of asked each of them for a $20 and then I would of been a legit prostitute instead of a just a whore.

How embarrassing. I think of those encounters now with such regret but it is the shame that stays with me as time goes by. I was THAT girl. How could *I* have been that girl?? Me, the dedicated nurse, the volunteer with the disabled, the mother with children. Yes, me. It was me. I fucked men that I met online, most of the time in their cars, in the dark, behind some building in the middle of the night. Did I know these men? Nope. Did I know anything about them, other than the fact that they claimed to be married? Nope. Was I stupid? ABSOLUTELY. Was I desperate? Without a doubt. Did I care about myself? No.

I have been so many things in my life, it surprises me sometimes when I sit and think about the things that I've done. If it were someone else that I heard did these things I would think to myself "OMG, WTF is wrong with that person? Why would they do such things?". But it IS me that has done them and so I am not one to sit in judgement of anyone.

This blog has been with me though, through the thick and thin, so thank you Fifth Circle of Hell and thank you readers for sticking with me in the dark times as well as the good times....and there have been plenty of dark times.

Thanks everyone for your support!!

Thank you M. S., whoever you are.....

2009-09-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes I get the most wonderful email from my readers.

Sometimes it's people asking for advice about their love lives, sometimes it's people who just want to say that they like my blog and sometimes it's men that want to have an affair on their wives. BUT once in awhile I'll get a completely selfless email written for the purpose of easing the suffering of another human being.

And for that, I would like to thank you M. S.

For the me, the part of his email that touched me the most was the ending, when he wrote:

"You faced a painful situation and made a difficult decision. Your love for the baby is apparent. I suspect the baby is saying "I understand. I forgive you, mom. Please forgive yourself. You do not have to carry a burden of shame and guilt with you now or for the rest of your life." Kaii, listen to the words of that baby and extend to yourself the same compassion and forgiveness that I suspect you would give to another woman."

Just reading those words "I understand. I forgive you Mom. Please forgive yourself" was immensely healing for me because those are the words that I so desperately wanted to hear. I wanted the baby to forgive me and I wanted to forgive myself but I couldn't because I felt that it was all my fault. I couldn't let go of this pain that I have been carrying around with me since I had to make that horrible decision. And for some reason, just hearing people say "It's not your fault, you know. This wasn't your fault" just wasn't quite enough because I firmly believe that it WAS my fault.

So, for me to finally hear those words "I forgive you", was an enormously powerful thing because it didn't confirm or deny that I was at fault for what happened. But it absolved the guilt that I've been carrying. To me it said "It doesn't matter if it was your fault or not because I understand why you had to do what you did and I forgive you for it." It's weird that the wording would matter to me so much. But this whole time, all I was searching for was forgiveness. I just wanted someone to tell me that the baby forgave me for what I've done to him.

It's kind of like when you go to confession, I guess.

I thank you very much to M. S. who took the time out of their day to write this email. It has made a great difference to me and how I view this whole situation.

But most importantly, it has made a great difference in the way I feel about myself....and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Back to life, back to reality......

2009-09-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

I have finally returned to work. I knew I was ready as there was very little dread associated with it, like there was a week or two ago . This time, I just felt like "It's time to go back" and it was. Several weeks ago, I was too raw, emotionally and physically, but things have almost resolved back to normal with my body and I have started the process of "moving on".

There are several things I have not shared with my readers, in part because I wanted to protect my privacy but also because I felt that putting what has been going on into words, would it make it more "real" somehow. Part of me has buried those memories because they have just been too horrible for me to face and so, I am like the ostrich with his head in the sand.

But, I am ready to share these thoughts with you now, because I did so upon my return to work with my fellow nurses, who I knew would understand the severity and implications of the situation, and I found that it made me feel better to talk about it and get it out.

So, I told you that I had a miscarriage, and that is true in part. What I did not tell you was that, in reality, I had a confirmed ectopic pregnancy. What is the difference, you ask? The difference is that during a miscarriage, the women's body rejects the embryo generally because of some kind of chromosomal abnormality. It is kind of like nature's way of ensuring that we have the healthiest offspring possible, I guess. But, an ectopic pregnancy is a different animal entirely. An ectopic pregnancy is where a perfectly healthy, normal baby implants in the fallopian tubes, because it cannot get out and implant itself in the uterus. In my case, the baby could not get out due to leftover scar tissue in my fallopian tubes, from the surgery I had to restore my fertility.

It is a dangerous position to be in because what happens is the baby grows and grows until it finally ruptures your fallopian tube and causes massive internal bleeding, which in turn can cause death.

Sooo, even though it was futile, I was hoping and praying that maybe some miracle would happen to somehow "fix" this situation. I wanted to save this perfect baby that was just in the wrong place.

Now I'm crying again.

It bothers me to know that there was nothing wrong with this baby. That is was perfect and good, but was just in the wrong spot. I think I would have felt better if it were just a regular miscarriage because then I could of held on to the fact that the embryo was probably sick or diseased.

What happened next is probably something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I'm sure I will feel the guilt of the decision I had to make, until I am old and gray.

There are only three possible things that can be done for an ectopic pregnancy. #1 is "Watchful Waiting", where your blood is monitored every 2 days for pregnancy hormones. The hope with watchful waiting is that nature will take it's course and resolve the pregnancy on it's own without any additional intervention. #2 is "Surgery", where they go in and remove the tube, thus eliminating any chance for tubal rupture and hemorrhage. It also removed your tube entirely and reduces your chance for further pregnancies by half. #3 is "Methotrexate". This option scares the shit out of me. Methotrexate is a type of Chemotherapy. It disrupts rapid cell division and kills the baby. Good times.

I immediately chose option #1, because I was hoping for that miracle. But when things got to the point where it was dangerous and I could of bled to death at anytime, it was time for me to chose another option. The doctors wanted me to chose #3, I didn't want to and refused and so we waited another week. It got bad enough during the course of this week that I eventually gave in and picked #3 :( I was in constant pain, I had been bleeding for 3 weeks, I couldn't work and I would lie awake at night and wonder if this was the night that my tube would rupture and I would bleed to death in my sleep.

It was time.

So, basically, I was still pregnant up to a week ago and then I took 2 shots of chemo and killed my baby. A big part of me feels like a murderer. Like, I agreed to kill my own baby, so that I could live. I feel like a horrible, horrible person and I am so ashamed.

And so now, I have written these words out for everyone to see, and it is real to me now. There is no more hiding, this is what really happened. It is time to let the tears fall and grieve the loss of this beautiful, perfect little soul that died so that I could live.

I feel consummed with sadness and guilt.

I can almost taste the anger....

2009-08-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

Did you ever feel such anger towards someone that you wanted to punch them in the throat?

That is how I feel towards Jamie's girlfriend right now. After I saw those pictures of Jamie's brother's wedding, I got in contact with Jamie's sister and she gave me a golden nugget of info. She claims that the only reason no one has met my son thus far is because Jamie's girlfriend wasn't happy about it...which was just as I suspected all along.

Her advice to me was to be patient and that they would work it out eventually. Wow, funny. I believe Jamie's brother told me the exact same fucking thing more than a year ago and wow, look, nothing has changed at all. We are in the same fucked up situation, that we have always been in and are no closer to a resolution.

What a fucking surprise.

People are such fucking asses sometimes. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. Yes, I am swearing profusely, aren't I? Hard to believe that I am a caring, loving nurse by day but can turn on the cold, calculating, angry bitch if need be? Well, it's not as hard as you think, trust me.

I mean, how can you deny a young child the chance to know his family, just because you "don't like the situation"? Well, suck it up bitch and put on your big girl panties, because this is the REALITY of the situation:

"I fucked your boyfriend LONG before you met him and we had a child. Get over it."

Fuck, I hate people sometimes.

I almost feel like saying "Because not one of you has a fucking backbone to stand up to this bitch, you can all go fuck yourselves". I have waited so many years for a fucking resolution and this is what I get???

"Just be patient"????

I have fucking well been patient. More than patient.

Part of me wants to hire a lawyer and nail his ass to the wall for child support and then part of me wants to tell him to get out of our lives for good and never contact me again.

Decisions, decisions.....

Regrets.....

2009-08-26T05:25:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I met and fell in love with a boy.

I was married at the time, but, meh, who's counting?.

OR should I say I was very young and unhappily married to a workaholic who was never home.

I was lonely and sad and this boy took my breath away. He was fun, intelligent and extremely nice looking. His name was Jamie and he was my workaholic husband's, best friend's, little brother. Ohhhhh, I know, the plot thickens.

Jamie was quite a bit younger than me. I had actually met him one time years before, when he was 8 or so. Of course, he didn't hold the appeal and magnetism as an 8 year old that he held now.

It all started with a dream. One night, after he and his brother had come over and helped us paint our house, I'd had a dream about him. An extremely realistic sexual dream. I woke up the next morning and couldn't stop thinking about him. And that is what started the whole sordid affair.

With some prompting, on my part, Jamie and I started sleeping together. I WANTED him. Really, really wanted him. I needed to have him and would let nothing stand in the way of that. I did whatever he wanted me to. I bought him smokes, I gave him money, I gave him whatever he asked for. I look back now and see that I was really buying his love, but I was 24 and stupid and had a husband that didn't pay attention to me.

I was lonely, oh so lonely but when Jamie was around, those feelings of being alone went away. He made me laugh, a lot. He was really smart and interesting and we would sit out back at night and look at the stars while he would smoke cigarettes. I didn't smoke, but I just wanted to be in his presence. I felt happy when I was with him.

Months later, I ended up pregnant by Jamie. What a surprise that something like that could happen when you don't use protection :P I felt happy for the first time in a really long time. Jamie and I had a bond forever in our love child. I thought we would be together forever as this would be my chance to get away from my always absent husband.

But how wrong I was.

Jamie didn't step up to the plate. He wouldn't work and refused to stay at any job for very long. He continued to smoke dope and lived with a bunch of guy roomates. There wasn't any place for me and our baby in his life. I began to panic when I realized that I had no place else to go.

I hung around though, hoping and praying that things would change. I'd finally had enough about six months after our baby was born and it became apparent that I was waiting around for nothing. I told Jamie that I was wrong and that the baby wasn't his. And he believed me.

It was wrong but I guess I figured that the baby had a better chance at a decent life if I stayed with my workaholic husband. At least he wanted to work and even though he knew about the affair, he was willing to raise the baby as his own.

Jamie believed me, and to this day, I still question how he could when the baby looked just like him. You'd think he would of questioned it more but he seemed complacent and relieved when the burden of fatherhood was lifted.

And now here we are 9 years later. Jamie and I have kept in contact all this time. Why? I'm not sure. We just seem to gravitate towards one another, I guess. We are very similar in a lot of ways and I guess our lives are frequently messed up and it is nice to have the support of someone who understands how you think.

Several years ago, I finally came clean and told him the truth about our child but they have yet to re-meet one another. He hasn't seen our child since he was 6 months old. Now that the truth has been out for years, you'd think Jamie would want to see him. That he would be in a hurry to reconnect with him and make up for lost time.

But no. I'm not sure why that is. I think it is 95% on his part and 5% on mine. He has a new life now, with a girlfriend who sounds controlling. She doesn't seem to want to accept that Jamie had a child with someone else and so they never talk about it. How can they not talk about it, you ask!?! I have no idea, it makes very little sense to me. But apparently it is a topic that she refuses to discuss.

If Daddy had children with someone other than me, which he does, I would want to do my best to nurture that relationship because I love Daddy and I know that it would be important to him to see his children and have a relationship with them. I wouldn't stand in the way because his children were here before I even came into the picture.

It just sounds like a convenient excuse, if you ask me. "Oh, my girlfriend doesn't like the fact that I had a child before I met her and so I'm going to pretend that I don't... because it makes her happy.

It's been 9 years but I guess I am feeling bitter today. You see, Jamie is a "friend" on my Facebook and I just noticed that last night he had been tagged in several photos at his brothers wedding. I looked through all the photos and felt a combination of sadness and anger. There, in just about every picture, was his smiling and happy family. Jamie, both his sisters, his brother and his mother. There were also several pictures of his girlfriend, overweight and looking like a sausage stuffed into a dress. She looked like she would make a great contestant on that new FOX dating show called "More to Love".

FANfuckingTASTIC.

I feel bitter. Those smiling faces in the picture...that family.....is MY child's family. That is his father, his uncle, his aunts and his grandmother. And yet, he has never met any of them. And for some reason, the fact that he doesn't even know his own Grandmother bothers me immensely as I had a wonderful relationship with my own Grandmother.

My son's aunts don't even know that he even exists and Jamie's brother, who does know, told me that he is unwilling to get involved because of not wanting to rock the boat.

So, because the girlfriend is upset by REALITY, then no one else in the family gets to know of or have a relationship with my child?

Sigh...

Everything....

2009-08-24T04:28:00.000-07:00

It has been an odd time since the miscarriage. I have really taken it easy for the first time in years. The doctor put me off work for several days and I knew it wasn't enough and so, I took more. I knew I needed it, mentally I needed it. I haven't worked more than a couple of days this month and I am glad for the reprise from all the sickness and death. I almost feel "normal" again and god knows, I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

I have been on a cleaning frenzy lately and I am enjoying the order around me. Normally, the laundry, vaccuming, washing floors, etc, take a back seat to pretty much everything else. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just that I am basically fried after I get home from work....and I work a lot.

My relationship with Daddy since the miscarriage has been changed somehow. He has been VERY understanding and supportive of my numerous emotional breakdowns and mood swings. Daddy keeps telling me that it isn't my fault and intelligently I believe him, but emotionally, I lay awake at night and wonder "What if?". What if the baby hadn't died? What if he had been born, perfect and good and sweet. How would my life be different?

It is enough to set me bawling my eyes out and frankly, I am tired. I just woke up and therefore have the next 16 hours to berate myself and cry over what could have been.

Daddy and I had sex yesterday. It was good. It's always good with Daddy. My pussy was sopping wet and made gushing sounds as he pumped his big, hard cock into me. He waited until I came on his cock and then pulled out. He yanked me over to the side of the bed on my back and made me dangle my head over the side. He then stood behind me, with his feet on the floor, and slid his cock, wet with pussy juice, down my throat. He kept pumping and gagging me with his cock until I started whimpering and shaking my head no. I couldn't speak with his cock so deep in my throat. He made me endure several more strokes, then pulled out and shoved my face roughly into his balls and said "Lick". I licked and sucked his balls enthusiastically while he stroked his cock. In the end, he threatened to flip me over and cum in my ass but I begged him not to and then he came all over my naked tits.

What a nice Daddy ;)

Chillaxing.....

2009-08-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

I JUST had a cold shower. It was heavenly as we are currently in the middle of a heat wave and I'm sweating like a whore in church.

I love that saying, "Sweating like a whore in church". Daddy says it all the time. He's quite hilarious and frequently says unexpected things that make me burst out laughing. Some day I should create a blog dedicated to all the funny things he says. I think he's hilarious.

Daddy's parents are both French and as a young adult, he lived life on the road with his band. So, we had VERY different upbringings and experiences as we grew up. It seems like nothing fazes Daddy. He's just so mellow and views everything in life with a twisted "French/English, carefree, rock star" type attitude. Some days it's infuriating and then some days I find his take on life refreshing and quite humorous. I also love it when he tells me raunchy french swear words :P According to Daddy, he can't help it as "Ben, c'est mon heritage", meaning "It's my heritage". So, what can you do? My mother is also French and as a kid, I remember her frequently saying "Maudit seigneur", "Tabarnac", "Colisse". I had no idea what it meant, but it sure sounded cool.

When I grew up, I decided to go look them up.....and apparently, my mother swears like a sailor.

So, I went back to work the other day and it was shiteous. My miscarriage was the topic "du jour". I taken aside and asked "Are you okay?" several times before I even set foot in the nurses station. So, lots of opportunities to relive the horror. Nothing like revisiting the source of your soul crushing pain, over and over AND over again.

Back to the grind....

2009-08-17T05:02:00.000-07:00

I got my tattoo, it hurt quite a bit, but the swelling has gone down a lot bit. I had one big puffy foot for a few days but now it is starting to itch, so healing time begins :P

I really love this tattoo and what it signifies. It means a lot to me. To me, it's like my lost baby is always with me. I had one cunt acquaintance say that my new tattoo was "cute but is it going to be cute when you're 90?" I felt like punching her in the throat.

I have not told anyone outside of immediate family about what has happened, in relation to Daddy and I losing the baby. I just can't it is too painful. I have cried so many tears already and I know that the barrage of questions and condolences would set me bawling again.

I feel weepy today already. I am set to go to work in a couple of hours and I just don't want to face my coworkers. I'm sure that everyone knows by now as I had to go to the hospital when I miscarried and then had to speak to my nurse manager because I would not be coming into work for a bit. So, in other words, it is guaranteed that EVERYONE I work with knows at this point.

I don't want their sympathy, but I really don't want the uncomfortable silence that I am bound to encounter too. Some people don't know WHAT to say in situations like this, so they say nothing at all. Honestly, I'm not sure which one is worse.

I am not prepared to go back to work. Emotionally, I don't feel ready to go back and deal with the day to day crap but mostly I don't feel ready to back and deal with the special emotional needs of patients with cancer. I am suffering inside myself, how can I be strong for them? I fear that I will be a bawling, useless piece of crap once they start unloading their sadness and suffering on me, instead of a comforting, supportive, strong, unrelenting warrior against cancer.

I am praying that everything goes alright. I don't even know who I'm praying to :(

Tattoo me, baby....

2009-08-14T04:49:00.000-07:00

I am getting a new tattoo today. After I lost the baby, I felt like I needed something on me that I could remember him by..I just happened to call up the best tattoo guy I know (and also the guy who has done most of my work) and he just happened to have a cancellation for today. I was quite happy as his next opening was almost 2 months away.

So, today is the day, and I am shitting my pants for some reason. Normally, I am not such a wuss when it comes to tattoos as I have several very large ones already. But here I am, awake since the crack of dawn.

I am getting inked on a notoriously painful spot and I am extremely nervous. I am even thinking of using Emla cream. I know, I know....I am breaking the tattoo code, which consists of 1. "No crying in the tattoo parlour" and 2. "Suck it up wussy and endure the pain".

Tattoo parlours and tattoo artists are funny. They have a culture all their own. I remember when I got my first tattoo several years ago. They looked at me like I had 2 heads because I don't really look like the tattoo type...at all. A "newbie", if you will. They even made me pay a substantial downpayment to "hold" my spot. I figure it's because they were SURE I would chicken out as I wanted quite a large piece done for my first time.

Go big or go home, I say :P

Anyway, now, I have a lot of tattoos, even more than Daddy. I have street cred now when I get tattooed. No longer am I an "outsider", now I'm just one of them.

So, today, I am going and getting another one to add to my growing collection. It seems I always get a tattoo when I am in some sort of intense emotional pain. Some say that people use tattoos as a way to raise their endorphin level when they are depressed. Who knows? I just know that I have suffered a huge loss and I want a way to remember the baby. I know from talking to several other women who have lost their babies, that it is something you never forget, no matter how many years have passed.

So, wish me luck, and I hope to hell I can handle the pain.

I am off to the tattoo parlour....