Mommy Dearest.....

I'm watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Wow, and I thought that *I* had problems. Holy fuck, I have had a pretty shitty life, but I have never fallen as low as some of these people. I'm one of those people that people say to me"Wow, you're so strong". You know what though? I don't feel very strong. I frequently feel weak and defeated but there is something inside me that makes me get back up every single time and keep going. I am a fighter, dammit!!

Fawwwwwk.

So, I haven't been writing much lately. I have been working, going to therapy and trying to get some order back into my life. Therapy has been good. I have been "letting it all hang out" with the therapist and it is a good thing. My last session, we talked about my mother.

What a loaded topic that is.

My mother and I have a "sister" relationship as opposed to a "mother-daughter" relationship. How I long for a mother. I long for an older woman who cares for me, who guides me, who accepts me and is proud of me and my accomplishments. I long for a mother who loves me rather than one who competes with me. It is a pain that cuts right down to the centre of my being. You have no idea how raw the pain is. I have always longed for a mother and the relationship that is supposed to come from that.

I have always felt like an orphan. Like a child reared without the love and guidance of an older, caring adult. I have always been searching. Searching for a mother and searching for a father.

I have found a Daddy, and despite the crappy "relationship" things that go on between us, he fills up that wanting for me. The wanting I have for a father. Daddy is older than me. He takes care of me. He does loving things for me, which I tend not to comment on here because I typically use my blog to vent about the crappy things.

I should post an ad "Wanted....Mom for emotional support and caring"