You know, people always put so much faith in doctors. "Doctors are so intelligent", "Doctors will tell us what to do", "Doctors will save us".

And you know what? Sometimes you're right. But from working as a nurse for so long, I have come to see a different side of the coin.

Doctors are pompous. Doctors disagree. Doctors are mean to patients. And Doctors are frequently wrong.

I saw something take place yesterday, between one of my patients and a doctor, that I have been unable to shake out of my head.

His callousness and basic disregard for dignity and privacy appalled me. It has been 24hrs and I am still fuming over it.

He came in, handled her pain and cancer riddled body like a slab of meat. Performed a procedure that required pain medication and freezing beforehand, without any. Did not pull her curtain to perform this procedure, then left the room with her exposed to the waist. He also did not clean up after the procedure and left everything just lying in her bed. He didn't even cover her wounds and she bled like a stuck pig all over the bed.

I am so angry, I am almost vibrating. The disregard that doctor showed for this poor patient, just sickens me.

I walked into her room to find her sobbing and bleeding and I wanted to cry too, but I sucked it up, dried her tears, got her some pain medication, cleaned and bandaged her wounds and changed her blood soaked sheets. There was nothing else I could do. He is a doctor and I am a nurse. I am the low man on the totem pole. There is no recourse for his behaviour. What are they going to do? Fire him because he's a complete and utter ass? Not on your life.

Unfortunately, there is generally no time for a nurse to cry her little eyes out with the patient....because that is exactly what I felt like doing with this poor woman. But, there is only time to react to the situation and help the patient.

Most nurses cry after the fact, when the trauma is over. We cry in the hallway outside the patients room, we cry in the presence of another nurse who more than likely will probably cry with us because they understand, we cry in the bathroom or nurses station but it is almost an unwritten rule among nurses that you don't cry in front of the patient.

I have found that over the years, that this has gotten easier and easier. Sometimes, I sit back and think of all the trauma and sickness and death that I've seen and wonder if I've become a machine because I am not curled into the fetal position.

I wrote several months ago about a young woman with cancer. I had to shave her head because her mother couldn't bring herself to do it. It was the last and only time it was done because she died several weeks later. Although it was difficult for me, I feel proud that I was able to do that one small task for her. I think about that day a lot and how I held it together until after my shift, then I cried my eyes out because I knew her prognosis was poor and there was nothing left that they could do for her.

What a miserable fucking job I have.

I have touched death so many times. I contemplate my own more than I care to admit.

Well kiddies, it is time to get going and face the day. Death waits for no one....and neither does my dog because she'll piss on the floor in a heartbeat if I don't let her out quick enough :P






-Posted by Kaii using BlogPress on the IPhone

Why can't I marry my IPhone?

I mean really, it's fun and reliable. It entertains me when I am waiting in line. It keeps me up to date with my friends Facebook updates. It has useful applications, like this BlogPress one....and it's free!!!! Who doesn't love FREE, I ask you!?!

Expect more useless posts in the future, just like this one right here. Because I am plugged in now, baby. I've got my finger on the pulse of technology and it's screaming "Blog, Kaii. Blog your little heart out".

And I shall heed it's cries and blog for the good people of the world.

Hallelujah IPhone!!!

I think I need a hobby, or perhaps a Twitter account. OMG, I am a freaking genius!!

And this post has all been brought to you *without* any coffee this morning. It's all natural Kaii. Pure and unfiltered.

On a completely unrelated sidenote, I have done away with my email link on my profile page. Actually, I have done away with that email account entirely. It feels good to have done so. I felt that it embodied who I "turned into" as opposed to who I "really am".

Anyway, gotta run. Here's "cheers" to me and my very first IPhone post.

Cheers!! :P

-Posted by Kaii using BlogPress on the IPhone

By the Edge of the Sea......

So much has been happening the last few weeks. I feel like the world is spinning out of control and all I can do is hold on for dear life.

First off, I would like to thank you all for commenting, emailing, etc, regarding my recent issues with Daddy. I thank each and every one of you for your support.

I don't know what's going to happen between us, but this recent blowup has led to a lot of frank discussion about why he acts and does the things he does. I'm not sure what's going to happen at this point. We speak to one another in a civil way, we sleep in the same bed but part of me wonders "when I am going to get tired of watching him like a hawk?". Or perhaps better yet, "When am I finally going to have had enough"? Because frankly, I have taken WAY more from him than I ever thought I would and then the question becomes "WHY".

I'm sure that I can hear the lot of you groaning from here as you all wished that I would drop kick his ass out the door but...well, I just don't know what to say, I guess.

I feel that I need a break from life, so I have finally gone ahead and purchased some land near the water. I am quite excited about it as I have wanted this for a long while now. You know, I really wanted Daddy to be involved in this purchase. I wanted it to be something we did together but it has been like pulling teeth. You know, when we moved in together, I went out and bought the house. I went around with the realtor, I paid the down payment, paid the lawyer, my name is the only name on the mortgage...and after being together all this time, that is apparently what is going to happen with this land purchase too.

It was me that looked for this land, me who scraped the financing together, me who met with the lawyer. Daddy did come and looked at the land with me but it was difficult to get him to make a decision one way or another about whether we should buy it or not. It was almost like he didn't want to commit. Oh who am I kidding, that's exactly what it was. He told me some crap story about how he didn't really have the money right now, but that didn't stop him from buying a $400 GPS a couple of days ago :(

Yet, I'm sure we will all (including his children) use this land that I have bought. But I feel disappointed. I just wanted us to do something together for once, from start to finish. I wanted something that we both had a stake in, something that was OURS instead of "mine, but you use it too"

:(

Who the fuck cares anymore, raise your hand....

I think the problem is, that Daddy and I are two different people who want two different things out of life. I feel like I have loved him with complete abandon, while he always held back. I feel like I have always been 100% upfront and honest, while he has lied repeatedly.

I keep telling him that the fact that he jerks off to 18 yr old girls is eroding our relationship. I just cannot accept it and never will be able to. It plays into my insecurities about my own body, it leaves me feeling self concsious, like I will never be "enough" for him.

I will never be an 18 yr old nymph again. I will never have perky breasts and a perfect body. It makes me feel that *I* am not really what he is lusting after. It just sickens me to think that he strokes his cock while he watches these young women with their perfect bodies and bleached assholes....and then I let him stick that same cock in my lesser mouth, my lesser pussy, my lesser ass. I feel so used, you have no idea.

I basically have had no desire to have sex with Daddy this past week, not for lack of trying on his part. But I am so affected by his porn viewing and subsequent lying, that I just cannot degrade myself.

I don't think he is even aware of the self loathing and self hatred that I feel as a result of this. I feel that I am not enough anymore. That I was never enough, but just never knew it.

I asked him this morning how he would feel if I watched porn and masturbated to men with bigger cocks than his. He said he would be fine with this but I don't believe him because he is frequently insecure about the size of his penis. As a matter of fact, he frequently brings up the very large cock of the Frenchman that I fucked before I met him.

So, I said "Fine" and went ahead and did it this morning. I watched porn and masturbated and it was not fulfilling in the least. It felt cheap and dirty and wrong to fantasize about some strange man's huge cock fucking me, instead of Daddy's. I actually felt very sad about the whole thing.

I USED to watch porn at one point...before I met Daddy and had no one to satisfy me sexually. But now, I have him and porn has no place in my life. It is not something I long for, miss, think about, etc. It is just something that I used to do that now holds zero appeal for me because I have a living, breathing man to please me sexually.

But Daddy doesn't feel that way.....and it is killing me inside.

Jailbait Thongs, XXX Titties.....

This post is not what you think.

So, if you are coming here searching for a good post to stroke your cock to, then you should look elsewhere. I suggest YouPorn or maybe RedTube.

I recently tried to kick Daddy out because he lied about watching porn. This has been a loooong suffering saga with porn. Porn is the bane of my existence. I catch him and freak out, and he promises not to do it anymore. Then I catch him again and freak out even more and the circle continues.

I actually just caught him yesterday, not even a week after the last time when I was so fed up that I told him to leave. Unfuckingbelievable. I cannot believe that my feelings mean so little to him.

To clarify, he is not an OCCASIONAL porn watcher. He is an hours at a time, downloading it to his computer, watching it all weekend long when it is family time, watching it when I am willing to fuck him at any time, watching it when he is watching our small children at home all by himself porn watcher.

So, don't tell me that this is "normal" and "all guys do it" because it falls under the obsessive category. We have actually been to counselling for this and the psychologist said to devote this much time and energy to something like this was "detrimental to yourself and detrimental to your relationships"

I guess the problem I am having, is that I feel worthless inside. I feel undesirable. I constantly feel that I have to "out porn" the porn to keep him interested in our sex life. So, consequently, ANYTHING (short of scat play) goes in our relationship. Seriously, I mean anything.

Sometimes I feel degraded and embarrassed that I do these things for him, but I feel that is the only way to keep him interested in sex with me as opposed to the porn.

Honestly, I am like a walking porno. I frequently feel angry and resentful during sex. I don't want to do these things a lot of the time. It's just so over the top.

*sigh*

It makes me feel bad about myself. I feel that the "real" me is not good enough and that I have to be this twisted and perverted version of myself.

He claims that he is attracted to me, that *I* am what he wants...that my body type, hair colour, look, etc is what he is attracted to. But if that is true, then why does he watch Jailbait porn, where you could break these women in half. I don't know about you, but I am not 18 anymore....not quite me, that's for sure.

Yet, that is what gets him hard and he strokes his cock and gets off to it. It almost feels like he's cheating on me, like all I get are the "leftovers" because he dedicates all his time and attention to these fantasy waifs.

I am so sad. You have no idea. I just feel so worthless inside. Every time I find porn on his computer and he lies about it, I feel that I love him less, I feel that I trust him less, I feel apathetic about the future of our relationship. I don't think he even realizes it, but I care less and less as time goes on. I have to, it's the only way I can protect myself. I don't think he even realizes what he is doing, or he does and simply doesn't care because the porn is more important than how I feel.

He keeps telling me that "all men do this, all men watch porn" but I have a hard time swallowing that.

Do you mean to tell me that ALL women feel this worthless and sad inside?

Business as Usual......

The problem is that I have caught Daddy lying to me on multiple occasions for the past 10 months or so. Lying includes things like chatting online with other women (who were supposedly "just friends" but if that is the case why did he never tell me about it), deleting texts from these same women so that I wouldn't find out about him texting other women, watching porn obsessively (as in for hours at a time, even when I am home and wiling to fuck his brains out and yes, even when I am out getting groceries and he is watching our small children at home).

I have threatened to throw him out numerous times as I just can't take the fact that I can't trust him anymore. Yet, here we are 10 months later and he is still here.

We have gone to counselling and it seemed to help and I honestly thought that we were finally over all the previous bullshit with all the therapy we went to.

BUT, I got home from work last night and found him on his computer, no big deal as he is ALWAYS on his computer. But I trust him now because he is SORRY for what he has done in the past, right?

I casually ask him when the last time he looked for porn online and he said it was so long ago that he couldn't even remember when. He was so straight faced when he said it. I wanted to believe him, but "something" in my gut told me that he was lying.

So, when he left for work this morning, I checked out his computer. Now, as part of our counselling we BOTH have all passwords to email, facebook, banking, etc, on each other's computer. It is full disclosure, no hiding and no lying. Those are the rules.

And yet, here I was just this morning, opening up his laptop and WOW, what a surprise...look at all the porn. Even porn downloaded just the night before, when he told me "couldn't remember the last time because it had been so long ago".

Apparently, an hour before I got home from work is a "long time ago"

I don't know if it is so much a matter that he looked at porn, but more the fact that he lied right to my face without batting an eye.

Why can he lie to me so easily? Doesn't he have a conscience? Doesn't he feel badly when he lies?

I just don't understand anymore...

So, furious for being lied to again, I called him up, told him that I am packing his stuff as we speak and that he can get the hell out as I have had enough.

I am so angry. I just don't understand WHY?????? Why would he continue to lie to me after everything we've been through?

As sick as it sounds, I still love him and I am so sad about what this will do to our children, who have lived under our roof as brother and sister for the past couple of years.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am miserable.

My own father was emotionally and physically abusive when I was younger. I was never Daddy's little girl. I was always a pain in the ass, a bother, someone to belittle. I was a very sad and unwanted child. My parents were 16(mother) and 19(father).

Because of this, I have constantly sought out men who recreated this dynamic that I had with my father.

The problem with this relationship with Daddy that makes it particularly hard to let go of is the fact that he is a "Daddy" type.

It feels like he "fixes" or makes up for parts of me that feel wounded from my horrible childhood. It's hard to explain.

Also the sex is addictive as he fulfills every sexual fantasy or want I have ever had.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I need counselling. Maybe we BOTH need counselling again.

All I know is that he called my bluff last night, got a moving van, packed all his crap in it, refused to answer my many angry texts and numerous phone calls......and I ran home from work, a sobbing crying mess to meet up with him just as he was leaving, Then we had a big screaming fight until I started crying like a baby and told him I didn't want him to leave... and then we had makeup sex.

I am so pathetic.

To have him leave feels like my father leaving me all over again. I know it is hard to understand as Daddy is not really my "father". But he fills that role for me. To have him leave, just crippled me emotionally and left me curled up into the fetal position, sobbing like a baby. I couldn't function all day once the anger wore off. I couldn't even eat. I was so screwed in the head.

So...long story short, he is back and we continue to dance the dance.