It was almost over between Daddy and I this weekend.
Sometimes we each just get so sick of each other's shit that things come to a head and explode. It's a "Battle Royale" of who can say the most horrible, hurtful things first.
This last time, I was completely out of control and consumed with anger. The argument was pretty nasty and escalated to the point of me shoving Daddy several times as he packed his things to leave. I was furious that he was packing his things to go. I hadn't even asked him to leave, yet there he was....leaving me again.
I was so angry. I wanted him to stay and fight. To resolve things. To move on. I wanted him to feel that our relationship was worth sticking around and working things out. It infuriated me that he would just "walk away" after everything we've been through.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I have never been like this in a relationship before and it bothers me that I shoved him. The only way I can explain it, is that I was hurting so much inside and talking to him just seemed to fall on deaf ears. I was angry. Really, really angry. Overtaken by anger. And so, I shoved him. Several times.
Our relationship is so fucking nasty. I just don't understand it anymore. It defies logic sometimes.
And yet, here we are, three days later...in love, snuggling at night and having intense, dirty sex.
I just don't get it.
Our relationship reminds me of this song, "Please don't leave me" by Pink. Every time I hear it on the radio, I think "Yep, that's us". I think, specifically, it's the lines
"I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?"
~OR~
"I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken"
~OR~
"How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty"
~OR
"Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it"
FanFuckingTastic.....
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Happy Blogiversary!!!!
Okay, fine.
I am writing something.
I feel scattered the last few days. I have actually opened up my blog half a dozen times with the intention of writing SOMETHING but have ended up with nothing.
It's hard to maintain and write a blog on a regular basis. I give my kudos to people who update every few days. I just don't have the dedication. Do you hear that people, I am undedicated :P
So, I realized something today. It is a few days shy of the second anniversary of my blog, so happy blogiversary to the Fifth Circle of Hell!! So much has happened in the past 2 years, it is hard to fathom what my life was really like just a few short years ago.
I was unhappily married, hating my job and hating life. I felt that I was stagnating and dying inside by staying with my now ex husband yet I was determined to stay for the sake of our children. I had actually contemplated killing myself and what implications that would have on the quality of life of my children. I just couldn't take it anymore. And so, I was acting out. I was doing things behind my husband's back as a way of "getting back at him".
I was actively seeking out and meeting men online for sex. It was a very dark and depressing time of my life. I look back on it now with a mixture of relief and shame. I am glad that time of my life is over. I am glad I am in a better place, although the path to get here was unpleasant.
I am so ashamed at some of the things that I did back then. I mean, meeting strangers online for sex? You can't get much lower than that. I should of asked each of them for a $20 and then I would of been a legit prostitute instead of a just a whore.
How embarrassing. I think of those encounters now with such regret but it is the shame that stays with me as time goes by. I was THAT girl. How could *I* have been that girl?? Me, the dedicated nurse, the volunteer with the disabled, the mother with children. Yes, me. It was me. I fucked men that I met online, most of the time in their cars, in the dark, behind some building in the middle of the night. Did I know these men? Nope. Did I know anything about them, other than the fact that they claimed to be married? Nope. Was I stupid? ABSOLUTELY. Was I desperate? Without a doubt. Did I care about myself? No.
I have been so many things in my life, it surprises me sometimes when I sit and think about the things that I've done. If it were someone else that I heard did these things I would think to myself "OMG, WTF is wrong with that person? Why would they do such things?". But it IS me that has done them and so I am not one to sit in judgement of anyone.
This blog has been with me though, through the thick and thin, so thank you Fifth Circle of Hell and thank you readers for sticking with me in the dark times as well as the good times....and there have been plenty of dark times.
Thanks everyone for your support!!
I am writing something.
I feel scattered the last few days. I have actually opened up my blog half a dozen times with the intention of writing SOMETHING but have ended up with nothing.
It's hard to maintain and write a blog on a regular basis. I give my kudos to people who update every few days. I just don't have the dedication. Do you hear that people, I am undedicated :P
So, I realized something today. It is a few days shy of the second anniversary of my blog, so happy blogiversary to the Fifth Circle of Hell!! So much has happened in the past 2 years, it is hard to fathom what my life was really like just a few short years ago.
I was unhappily married, hating my job and hating life. I felt that I was stagnating and dying inside by staying with my now ex husband yet I was determined to stay for the sake of our children. I had actually contemplated killing myself and what implications that would have on the quality of life of my children. I just couldn't take it anymore. And so, I was acting out. I was doing things behind my husband's back as a way of "getting back at him".
I was actively seeking out and meeting men online for sex. It was a very dark and depressing time of my life. I look back on it now with a mixture of relief and shame. I am glad that time of my life is over. I am glad I am in a better place, although the path to get here was unpleasant.
I am so ashamed at some of the things that I did back then. I mean, meeting strangers online for sex? You can't get much lower than that. I should of asked each of them for a $20 and then I would of been a legit prostitute instead of a just a whore.
How embarrassing. I think of those encounters now with such regret but it is the shame that stays with me as time goes by. I was THAT girl. How could *I* have been that girl?? Me, the dedicated nurse, the volunteer with the disabled, the mother with children. Yes, me. It was me. I fucked men that I met online, most of the time in their cars, in the dark, behind some building in the middle of the night. Did I know these men? Nope. Did I know anything about them, other than the fact that they claimed to be married? Nope. Was I stupid? ABSOLUTELY. Was I desperate? Without a doubt. Did I care about myself? No.
I have been so many things in my life, it surprises me sometimes when I sit and think about the things that I've done. If it were someone else that I heard did these things I would think to myself "OMG, WTF is wrong with that person? Why would they do such things?". But it IS me that has done them and so I am not one to sit in judgement of anyone.
This blog has been with me though, through the thick and thin, so thank you Fifth Circle of Hell and thank you readers for sticking with me in the dark times as well as the good times....and there have been plenty of dark times.
Thanks everyone for your support!!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thank you M. S., whoever you are.....
You know, sometimes I get the most wonderful email from my readers.
Sometimes it's people asking for advice about their love lives, sometimes it's people who just want to say that they like my blog and sometimes it's men that want to have an affair on their wives. BUT once in awhile I'll get a completely selfless email written for the purpose of easing the suffering of another human being.
And for that, I would like to thank you M. S.
For the me, the part of his email that touched me the most was the ending, when he wrote:
"You faced a painful situation and made a difficult decision. Your love for the baby is apparent. I suspect the baby is saying "I understand. I forgive you, mom. Please forgive yourself. You do not have to carry a burden of shame and guilt with you now or for the rest of your life." Kaii, listen to the words of that baby and extend to yourself the same compassion and forgiveness that I suspect you would give to another woman."
Just reading those words "I understand. I forgive you Mom. Please forgive yourself" was immensely healing for me because those are the words that I so desperately wanted to hear. I wanted the baby to forgive me and I wanted to forgive myself but I couldn't because I felt that it was all my fault. I couldn't let go of this pain that I have been carrying around with me since I had to make that horrible decision. And for some reason, just hearing people say "It's not your fault, you know. This wasn't your fault" just wasn't quite enough because I firmly believe that it WAS my fault.
So, for me to finally hear those words "I forgive you", was an enormously powerful thing because it didn't confirm or deny that I was at fault for what happened. But it absolved the guilt that I've been carrying. To me it said "It doesn't matter if it was your fault or not because I understand why you had to do what you did and I forgive you for it." It's weird that the wording would matter to me so much. But this whole time, all I was searching for was forgiveness. I just wanted someone to tell me that the baby forgave me for what I've done to him.
It's kind of like when you go to confession, I guess.
I thank you very much to M. S. who took the time out of their day to write this email. It has made a great difference to me and how I view this whole situation.
But most importantly, it has made a great difference in the way I feel about myself....and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sometimes it's people asking for advice about their love lives, sometimes it's people who just want to say that they like my blog and sometimes it's men that want to have an affair on their wives. BUT once in awhile I'll get a completely selfless email written for the purpose of easing the suffering of another human being.
And for that, I would like to thank you M. S.
For the me, the part of his email that touched me the most was the ending, when he wrote:
"You faced a painful situation and made a difficult decision. Your love for the baby is apparent. I suspect the baby is saying "I understand. I forgive you, mom. Please forgive yourself. You do not have to carry a burden of shame and guilt with you now or for the rest of your life." Kaii, listen to the words of that baby and extend to yourself the same compassion and forgiveness that I suspect you would give to another woman."
Just reading those words "I understand. I forgive you Mom. Please forgive yourself" was immensely healing for me because those are the words that I so desperately wanted to hear. I wanted the baby to forgive me and I wanted to forgive myself but I couldn't because I felt that it was all my fault. I couldn't let go of this pain that I have been carrying around with me since I had to make that horrible decision. And for some reason, just hearing people say "It's not your fault, you know. This wasn't your fault" just wasn't quite enough because I firmly believe that it WAS my fault.
So, for me to finally hear those words "I forgive you", was an enormously powerful thing because it didn't confirm or deny that I was at fault for what happened. But it absolved the guilt that I've been carrying. To me it said "It doesn't matter if it was your fault or not because I understand why you had to do what you did and I forgive you for it." It's weird that the wording would matter to me so much. But this whole time, all I was searching for was forgiveness. I just wanted someone to tell me that the baby forgave me for what I've done to him.
It's kind of like when you go to confession, I guess.
I thank you very much to M. S. who took the time out of their day to write this email. It has made a great difference to me and how I view this whole situation.
But most importantly, it has made a great difference in the way I feel about myself....and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Back to life, back to reality......
I have finally returned to work. I knew I was ready as there was very little dread associated with it, like there was a week or two ago . This time, I just felt like "It's time to go back" and it was. Several weeks ago, I was too raw, emotionally and physically, but things have almost resolved back to normal with my body and I have started the process of "moving on".
There are several things I have not shared with my readers, in part because I wanted to protect my privacy but also because I felt that putting what has been going on into words, would it make it more "real" somehow. Part of me has buried those memories because they have just been too horrible for me to face and so, I am like the ostrich with his head in the sand.
But, I am ready to share these thoughts with you now, because I did so upon my return to work with my fellow nurses, who I knew would understand the severity and implications of the situation, and I found that it made me feel better to talk about it and get it out.
So, I told you that I had a miscarriage, and that is true in part. What I did not tell you was that, in reality, I had a confirmed ectopic pregnancy. What is the difference, you ask? The difference is that during a miscarriage, the women's body rejects the embryo generally because of some kind of chromosomal abnormality. It is kind of like nature's way of ensuring that we have the healthiest offspring possible, I guess. But, an ectopic pregnancy is a different animal entirely. An ectopic pregnancy is where a perfectly healthy, normal baby implants in the fallopian tubes, because it cannot get out and implant itself in the uterus. In my case, the baby could not get out due to leftover scar tissue in my fallopian tubes, from the surgery I had to restore my fertility.
It is a dangerous position to be in because what happens is the baby grows and grows until it finally ruptures your fallopian tube and causes massive internal bleeding, which in turn can cause death.
Sooo, even though it was futile, I was hoping and praying that maybe some miracle would happen to somehow "fix" this situation. I wanted to save this perfect baby that was just in the wrong place.
Now I'm crying again.
It bothers me to know that there was nothing wrong with this baby. That is was perfect and good, but was just in the wrong spot. I think I would have felt better if it were just a regular miscarriage because then I could of held on to the fact that the embryo was probably sick or diseased.
What happened next is probably something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I'm sure I will feel the guilt of the decision I had to make, until I am old and gray.
There are only three possible things that can be done for an ectopic pregnancy. #1 is "Watchful Waiting", where your blood is monitored every 2 days for pregnancy hormones. The hope with watchful waiting is that nature will take it's course and resolve the pregnancy on it's own without any additional intervention. #2 is "Surgery", where they go in and remove the tube, thus eliminating any chance for tubal rupture and hemorrhage. It also removed your tube entirely and reduces your chance for further pregnancies by half. #3 is "Methotrexate". This option scares the shit out of me. Methotrexate is a type of Chemotherapy. It disrupts rapid cell division and kills the baby. Good times.
I immediately chose option #1, because I was hoping for that miracle. But when things got to the point where it was dangerous and I could of bled to death at anytime, it was time for me to chose another option. The doctors wanted me to chose #3, I didn't want to and refused and so we waited another week. It got bad enough during the course of this week that I eventually gave in and picked #3 :( I was in constant pain, I had been bleeding for 3 weeks, I couldn't work and I would lie awake at night and wonder if this was the night that my tube would rupture and I would bleed to death in my sleep.
It was time.
So, basically, I was still pregnant up to a week ago and then I took 2 shots of chemo and killed my baby. A big part of me feels like a murderer. Like, I agreed to kill my own baby, so that I could live. I feel like a horrible, horrible person and I am so ashamed.
And so now, I have written these words out for everyone to see, and it is real to me now. There is no more hiding, this is what really happened. It is time to let the tears fall and grieve the loss of this beautiful, perfect little soul that died so that I could live.
I feel consummed with sadness and guilt.
There are several things I have not shared with my readers, in part because I wanted to protect my privacy but also because I felt that putting what has been going on into words, would it make it more "real" somehow. Part of me has buried those memories because they have just been too horrible for me to face and so, I am like the ostrich with his head in the sand.
But, I am ready to share these thoughts with you now, because I did so upon my return to work with my fellow nurses, who I knew would understand the severity and implications of the situation, and I found that it made me feel better to talk about it and get it out.
So, I told you that I had a miscarriage, and that is true in part. What I did not tell you was that, in reality, I had a confirmed ectopic pregnancy. What is the difference, you ask? The difference is that during a miscarriage, the women's body rejects the embryo generally because of some kind of chromosomal abnormality. It is kind of like nature's way of ensuring that we have the healthiest offspring possible, I guess. But, an ectopic pregnancy is a different animal entirely. An ectopic pregnancy is where a perfectly healthy, normal baby implants in the fallopian tubes, because it cannot get out and implant itself in the uterus. In my case, the baby could not get out due to leftover scar tissue in my fallopian tubes, from the surgery I had to restore my fertility.
It is a dangerous position to be in because what happens is the baby grows and grows until it finally ruptures your fallopian tube and causes massive internal bleeding, which in turn can cause death.
Sooo, even though it was futile, I was hoping and praying that maybe some miracle would happen to somehow "fix" this situation. I wanted to save this perfect baby that was just in the wrong place.
Now I'm crying again.
It bothers me to know that there was nothing wrong with this baby. That is was perfect and good, but was just in the wrong spot. I think I would have felt better if it were just a regular miscarriage because then I could of held on to the fact that the embryo was probably sick or diseased.
What happened next is probably something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I'm sure I will feel the guilt of the decision I had to make, until I am old and gray.
There are only three possible things that can be done for an ectopic pregnancy. #1 is "Watchful Waiting", where your blood is monitored every 2 days for pregnancy hormones. The hope with watchful waiting is that nature will take it's course and resolve the pregnancy on it's own without any additional intervention. #2 is "Surgery", where they go in and remove the tube, thus eliminating any chance for tubal rupture and hemorrhage. It also removed your tube entirely and reduces your chance for further pregnancies by half. #3 is "Methotrexate". This option scares the shit out of me. Methotrexate is a type of Chemotherapy. It disrupts rapid cell division and kills the baby. Good times.
I immediately chose option #1, because I was hoping for that miracle. But when things got to the point where it was dangerous and I could of bled to death at anytime, it was time for me to chose another option. The doctors wanted me to chose #3, I didn't want to and refused and so we waited another week. It got bad enough during the course of this week that I eventually gave in and picked #3 :( I was in constant pain, I had been bleeding for 3 weeks, I couldn't work and I would lie awake at night and wonder if this was the night that my tube would rupture and I would bleed to death in my sleep.
It was time.
So, basically, I was still pregnant up to a week ago and then I took 2 shots of chemo and killed my baby. A big part of me feels like a murderer. Like, I agreed to kill my own baby, so that I could live. I feel like a horrible, horrible person and I am so ashamed.
And so now, I have written these words out for everyone to see, and it is real to me now. There is no more hiding, this is what really happened. It is time to let the tears fall and grieve the loss of this beautiful, perfect little soul that died so that I could live.
I feel consummed with sadness and guilt.
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