Titties, I have titties, I have lots and lots of titties......

Well, I have two, at least ;D

But they're big and apparently that is a good thing, at least according to Daddy. Frankly, I am pretty much neutral in the matter. Although I will say that having big knockers can be more of a pain in the ass, than anything else.

So, what else has been going on lately?

The same old shit, really. Work is stressful, the patients are still suffering and dying. Cancer still sucks.

Daddy and I still love each other passionately AND hate each other with ferocious intensity at the same time. We still fight like wild Berserkers one minute and then cling to one another like orphaned children the next. It's a healthy relationship, I tell ya.

Same old shit, different day. Know what I mean?

Daddy and I had sex this morning before he went to work. We always kiss and nuzzle one another every morning, but this morning, in particular, Daddy's cock was hard as a rock. Before I knew what was going on in my morning haze, Daddy had spread my legs and had his tongue buried in my pussy.

Fuck, he licks pussy like a God. If there was an olympic medal for pussy licking, I think Daddy would make Canada proud. (God, I wonder how a girl could offer to volunteer for said pussy licking olympics?) Sign me up, please!!!

Anyway, I digress....

Daddy was buried balls deep in my pussy while I was on my knees. He fucks like a demon, you know. He's aggressive and dirty with a side of psychological mindfucking. My favourite type. Man, what stamina and creativity that boy has. This morning, though, he had his thumb up my ass and was feeling his cock, which was in my pussy, through my ass. What a dirty, dirty boy, indeed. He always leans down over my back while he's fucking me and whispers dirty things in my ear. It just gives me the shivers even thinking about it.

Anything in my ass seems to make me cum. Daddy's cock, Daddy's fingers, vibrating butt plugs, etc. It feels very intense when I have an anal orgasm. I always seem to announce when I'm going to cum too, for some reason, almost like I want Daddy's approval that it's "Okay". It goes a little something like this:

ME: "Ohhhh, ohhhh, Fuck me Daddy"

"Fuck me with that big, fat cock"

Oh, God, Daddy...I love your cock in my ass"

"I'm gonna cum. Oh Daddy, I'm gonna cum"


HIM: "Cum for Daddy, little girl. Cum with my big, fat cock in your ass"

ME: "Ohhhhhhh, Ohhhhhhhh" *interspersed with a lot of screaming and moaning*


HIM: "What a dirty little girl, cumming with your Daddy's cock in your ass"

I am normally loud enough when I cum, but for some reason, anal orgasms turn me into a crazy, screaming nympho. I'm sure our prudish neighbours just LOVE us. We have "Old Busybody" across the street, "The 2 Old Lesbians" beside us, "Lonely, Prim and Proper" on the other side and "Crazy Old Man" behind us. So, I am sure that everyone appreciates mine and Daddy's frequent fucking now that summer is here and all the windows are wide open.

We. Are. So. Classy.

Dirty Sex..or Romantic Sex......

Daddy says we never have "romantic sex". He says it is always the rough, dirty variety. Seems to me that when someone enjoys fucking you in the ass or finger fucking your ass while they're balls deep in your pussy...that "Romance" isn't what they're after.

Frankly, I find it confusing.

I mean, we barely even kiss anymore and certainly not during sex. Thinking about that makes me feel sad. The same thing happened in my marriage. My ex husband and I never kissed anymore either. It makes me feel like a piece of meat. Like something to just stick your cock in or something to cum on. And he says he wants romantic sex. Romantic sex my ass.

Daddy and I went to counselling the other day. The counsellor said that our fighting style was "very destructive". No kidding.

We talked about everything, Daddy's lying, the porn....even this blog. Daddy said that he feels that I roast him on this blog and then people comment and agree with me. I don't think he likes hearing other people say that he is wrong or that his behaviour is not right towards me.

I don't know what's going to happen between us. I feel confused a lot of the time. I refused to have sex with him the night after our counselling session and I think he was taken aback that I would actually say "no" to him. I don't think I have ever done that before but I just felt so emotionally distant from him after everything that came out of our counselling session that there was no way that I was spreading my legs for him.

Daddy says that he feels that the rules have changed regarding our relationship. He says I was one way (sexually) when we first met but now I am all "white picket fence and family orientated". Uh huh. Didn't he just complain that we never have romantic sex? Why yes, I believe he did.

He also said that before he had children with his cunt of an ex wife that he NEVER wanted to have kids. He said his kids were an accident but now that they are here, he would never give them up for the world.

I was upset by that. Upset that he "Never wanted to have kids". He also said he felt reluctant to have a child with me and that he felt things had changed sexually between us because "She always wants me to cum in her pussy now, so we can try and have a baby, instead of other places". Apparently I am not taking it up the ass nearly enough to satisfy Daddy's desire for "Romantic Sex".

I guess he should of told me all this before I went and had an operation to restore my fertility. An operation that cost thousands of dollars, out of our own pocket, because it was not covered by Medicare.

Rooms on Fire......

"Well Baby, I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on Fire, every time that you walk in the room" ~ Stevie Nicks

I'm not really sure what that means...I suppose it could be either GOOD or BAD, depending on your perspective, right? So, Daddy and I are going to couselling tomorrow. Should be interesting. I believe we are going to tackle the porn/lying issue. Let the fur fly, baby :P

You know, I frequently wonder about the people who read this blog. What you all look like, how you came to find my little piece of the blogosphere, how old you are, what you do for a living. I am an insatiably curious human being. I am always thinking, wondering and questioning. I wish I weren't like that. I wish I was content to just BE for once, instead of always trying to analyze things.

"Ignorance is bliss", so they say. I think they're right. Thinking too much makes you unhappy. Sometimes I think that being an imbecile would be quite liberating. "I would like a temporary idiot pass, please. You know what? I'll take two."

Thank fucking God I have a sense of humour, otherwise I think I would lose it permanently. I don't think you can work in Oncology and not have a sense of humour. It is a prerequisite. You wouldn't think Oncology would be funny, would you? It's not, of course, but if we didn't have laughter in Oncology, all that would be left are the tears. And god knows there's enough of those to go around.

Daddy is at work today and I am home all by my lonesome. I miss him. I can hear you hissing and booing, you know.

But, I really do. There is something about him that is very comforting sometimes....and then there is the "I want to run you over with my car, repeatedly" sentiment.

God, life is too complicated for me sometimes. I am just a girl, trying to figure it all out. So far, I'm doing a bang up job.

I'll let you know how it all turns out ;)

Just call me "Bambi"...........

It has become clear to me that I am a complete wuss with no backbone.

When I posted the other night, it was after Daddy and I had one of our famous "Yelling, Screaming every name in the book, Pack your fucking stuff and leave" type of fights.

We are famous for them now.

Daddy had shoved all his stuff in garbage bags, and was sleeping on the couch. *I* was alone and crying my eyes out upstairs in our bedroom.

I thought that it was truly over this time. We were both so angry at each other and Daddy had screamed and yelled like a lunatic, slamming doors, etc. I felt afraid of him that night. I don't like it when he's like that. He also called me the dreaded "C" word.

Now, normally, I don't mind the word "cunt". Example: "I want to fuck your dirty little cunt", "Your cunt feels so good around my hard cock", "I'm going to cum in your tight little cunt", etc..... But to be called a "Cunt" or a "Fucking Cunt", no less, is another animal entirely. To me it just screams such disrespect and hatred. Daddy was very aggressive and hateful that night in the things he said to me. I felt like I didn't even know the person who was screaming such hateful things to me.

I felt so sad and alone. I just cried myself to sleep while clutching his pillow off his side of the bed. I felt relived in a sense when I thought it was over because then there would be no more arguing and mistrust between us anymore. I feel such anger that Daddy has destroyed that perfect trust that I had in him. I would have followed him anywhere. I believed in him. I trusted him implicitly, but not anymore and that is where the problems have started. Once you weaken the trust, everything else starts to fall apart.

And fall apart it has.

In the past 6 months, I have gone from someone who was trusting, happy, secure and relaxed to someone who is distraught, unhappy, insecure, suspicious and angry. I TRUSTED him and look what he did to me. He LIED to me...repeatedly.

I don't even know if he's sorry. He says that he is, but I have a hard time believing him because he's lied to me BEFORE. See how this works? It's like a big assed circle. You start lying, then your partner finds out it (which they always do because karma has a way of repaying you), then your partner doesn't believe any other perfectly truthful statements that come out of your mouth...because you have lied to them before.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to start over or if that is even possible at this point. I just know that I am stressed out all the time and need a break from life for awhile.

I thank you all for your kind words, comments, emails, etc. I know that you are all right but just can't seem to bring myself to do the thing that is best for my mental health. I feel like I love him, like I need him, like I would think about him with regret for the rest of my life if he weren't in it anymore.

I need a camp somewhere in the woods or a cottage by the shore, where I can go and be alone for awhile.

In the End.........

No one ever loves me. Not my father, not my ex husband and not even Daddy.

He has shown me this over and over, yet I have refused to see it for what it is. So desperate was I to finally have someone love me, that I accepted less when I deserved more. I accepted his lying, his porn addiction and his intolerance for my children. I accepted his anger, yelling and name calling. I accepted not being a priority. I accepted not being part of a team. I accepted being kept in the dark.

I feel that I will finish my life exactly the same way I started it, unloved and unwanted.

I am so lonely, yet I have no one who would care to listen. I only have this blog, how pathetic is that?

I am lonely and sad and pathetic.

Take me away......

I have been looking at property. Vacation property, that is. I feel like I need a place that I can escape to. A place away from all the crap of my daily life. A place where I can go and listen to the waves pound into the shore. A place where I can just sit outside at night, staring into a bonfire and just BE.

A quiet place. A place where the night sky explodes with stars.

I had hoped for it to be a place that was "ours", but Daddy seems less than enthused about the whole idea. Honestly, for someone who spent so much time outside when he was younger, he doesn't seem to like to get away from the house very much as an adult.

I have been trying to get him interested in searching for property with me, by showing him different places but so far the only reaction I have received from him are explanations of why the land/cottage/area, etc, are unsuitable.

I feel disappointed.

I was hoping for him to show some interest, to give me some positive feedback and offer to help find a place. I was hoping for him to offer to contribute half towards the cost since he and his children will undoubtedly vacation there as well.

It seems like he is reluctant to enter into any kind of partnership with me. Case in point, the house we live in is in my name only. I was the only one who looked for houses online. I was the only one who went and looked at said houses with the realtor. I was the one who saved up all the money for the down payment, he didn't pay a cent.

I feel so bitter about that because he just walked into the house and moved in....after criticizing me several times for the style of house, the location, the lot size, etc. I'm sure he doesn't even remember saying those things, a year later, but it hurt me so deeply because I had just plunked down every cent I had so that we could be together.

I guess I feel that this vacation property is more than just "property". It is an affirmation that Daddy and I are equal partners and that he is in this for the long haul. It would be something that is "Ours" instead of "Mine" or "His".

So far, I have been saddened and disappointed....why break with precedent, I guess?

The Circle of Life.........

There is so much that goes on, day to day, that I don't write about. I just don't have the strength. Life is exhausting sometimes.

I came home from work a few days ago and couldn't sleep. I stayed awake for hours, just replaying the workday in my head. I have an elderly patient dying of an aggressive form of cancer and her family have been holding a vigil around her, just waiting for her to die. The poor woman is basically a skeleton covered in skin. There is no meat on her bones, at all. She is so frail, you'd swear you could snap her in half. There is no more chemo or radiation to be had...this is the end for her. There is nothing more we can do, so she is basically gurgling and drowning in her own lungs until her heart gives out.

Fuck, I hate that.

It is excruciating to watch her suffer, but what had me bothered this night was a scene that had played out several hours into my shift.

The patient had been incontinent of urine, so her bed and nightgown were soaked. I went in to assist one of the daughters to change the sheets and witnessed a scene that has haunted me for days now. The daughter had coaxed her mother to the edge of the bed, because we could not put the bed down flat to change it. In addition to not being able to lie back, the patient also could not roll...so it was impossible to change the bed with her in it. So, she had to get out of the bed entirely, which was quite a feat. As the daughter helped her to the side she kept saying "Come on Mom, there's a girl, come with me darling, what a good girl, you're okay, I'm gonna help you Mom" and then she reached down and lifted her skeletal mother from the bed and put her down gently into the chair next to the bed.

Big deal, right? But it bothered me so much, I wanted to cry right there. The mother was no longer the mother... and the daughter was no longer the daughter. The roles had been reversed. The daughter was now the mother and the mother was now the child. It was the daughter who now had to care for her mother and not the other way around.

It made me so sad and it made me think of my own mother and how someday our roles will be reversed too.

I frequently think about death and dying. How can I not? I am surrounded by it every single day at work. But for someone who spends as much time as I do immersed in thoughts of sickness and death, I am not particularly accepting of it.

It terrifies me. I spend an enormous amount of energy worrying. Worrying about sickness, worrying about death, worrying that THIS life is all there is.

I do not believe in Christianity, I am basically an atheist and I am obsessed with worry that this life is ALL there is. It just consumes me, you have no idea.

And so, I spent hours later that night, tucked away safely in my bed and let that scene of a daughter and her mother consume me for hours.......

Jealousy....is just "Lousy", plus a few other letters

Some days I think that living in the country, away from all the crappola in my daily life , would be very nice.

Daddy has decided that he is not going to read my blog anymore. Lately, he has been quite upset with the way he has been portrayed. The truth hurts, apparently.

A couple of days ago, he read my Canada Day post where, at the end of it, I wished Jamie "Happy Birthday". I felt it was harmless but Daddy was just rip roaring mad. He accused me of still wanting to be with Jamie, of still being in love with him, etc., etc., etc. I found this incredibly ridiculous, considering that I am now FREE for the first time in YEARS and if it was Jamie that I wanted, then I would be chasing Jamie instead of living with Daddy and trying so fucking hard to make things work.

Considering what DADDY has been doing to me lately with all the porn and lying, I don't think he has much right to criticize me about anything.

Apparently he didn't like it when the tables were turned on him, though.

He was so angry that when I tried to reason with him in the hallway, he shoved me into the stairs and made me fall. He claims he just shoved me and I "fell", but come on, he shoved me into the fucking stairs. Of course I was going to fall. I hurt myself and cried and he seemed to feel bad, but honestly, I don't know what has become of myself that I would ALLOW someone to shove me and I would take them back like nothing happened.

A few days before this we were in the kitchen, we were standing close together and talking when he grabbed me by the throat....for no reason at all. I was kind of taken aback and he said something like "You didn't think I was going to do that, did you?"

You know, in the past he has told me that his ex wife said that she was "intimidated" by him and I laughed it off. But maybe there was something to that. Who knows.

I do know that everything about our relationship is intense, the sex, the arguing, the love, the hatred....

Will the real Kaii please stand up, because I don't know who this version is anymore.

Just a Small Town Girl, Living in a Lonely World.......

Steve Perry, I love you.

So, what's going on today? Well, the Canada Day Fireworks were lovely. Daddy and I took our kids and therefore had to take separate cars because there are just too many of us. We agreed on a meeting place but we got separated in the enormous traffic. But, that's okay because we had agreed on a meeting place, right?

Wrong. For some fucking reason, Daddy turned off several kilometres before that and got out and watched the fireworks from there. Why, you ask? I have no fucking idea. I ended up going somewhere else too as I couldn't find him anywhere. His children informed me this morning that they also went out for ice cream afterwards.

Lovely.

Thanks for waiting for us and going together....as a goddamned family. I had actually told my kids that we would go out for Slushies after the Fireworks and I drove ALL the way home just to ask Daddy if he and his kids wanted to go too, because that's what families do.

I feel sad. It seems we are never a family. I keep accepting these little (and sometimes VERY BIG) things that I would never normally put up with. I feel like my self esteem is non existent at this point. Daddy told me yesterday that I was very "insecure". I wonder why. I just feel so unhappy with everything.

We were talking about one of his kids birthdays which is coming up in 6 weeks. One of my kids has a birthday a couple of days later. I asked him what he would like to do and he kept ignoring me. I must of asked him 4 or 5 times.

"What do you want to do for the kid's birthdays? Do you want to plan one big birthday for when we will all be together?

*silence

"Well, what do you think we should do?"

"I don't know"

Daddy has a way of ignoring me and ignoring me until I give up and just stop asking him. Either that or he changes the subject and leads the conversation somewhere else.

Finally, several days later, he finally answered me and said that he was going to celebrate his kid's birthday on the actual day instead of waiting for everyone to be together. So, basically, I will be working for 12 hours and my kids will be with their father. It will only be him and his kids.

I feel dejected and just....defeated somehow. I went ahead and planned my kid's birthday party...but not for the ACTUAL day of his birth but for several days later when Daddy's kids would be at our house and we could ALL be together. Like a FAMILY is supposed to do.

So, I got really upset and then Daddy said he was still having the birthday with his kid opening the gifts on the actual birthday but that we could still have something for them too on the same day that I had arranged for my kid's birthday.

That doesn't seem right to me because there will be no gifts for Daddy's kid because they will have already opened them and then I am making my kid share his birthday with someone who already had another damn birthday and opened all their gifts already. It just seems wrong somehow, just like the rest of our relationship.

Daddy says I complain too much. He told me the other day that he was "sick of my crap". Funny, I feel exactly the same way about him.

Regarding our big blow up the other day, Daddy told me that he will not look at porn anymore. I don't believe him. He keeps trying to justify why he acts the way he does. I don't want to hear justification. I want to hear that he's sorry, but he really doesn't think he's done anything wrong because watching porn for hours at a time every single fucking day is okay...didn't you know that? It's even acceptable when you're watching small children OR when your significant other is home and ready, willing and able to fuck your brains out at any given moment. It's always okay...because "that's just what men do".

What the fuck ever.

Daddy went to bed last night after the fireworks and I stayed up alone and watched tv. I felt sad and lonely. Wow, sounds like every other night of my MARRIED life for the past 10 years. I sat in the dark and watched one of those Dateline/48 hours thingies about a brother and sister that killed their step father. It made me think of my own kids and their relationship with Daddy. They are very distant with him. He's not terribly nice to them, I don't think that he's ever hugged one of them. He is mostly a yelling, intimidating figure in the house. He just expects children to OBEY and not question anything. He expects the kids to be better behaved than HE was as a child. He treats my son the worst. Daddy has 2 speeds with him, either sarcastic or aggressive. It makes me so angry because my son has had a hard enough life with his own father ignoring him. Why can't Daddy just treat my children the same way I treat his? Why can't he be good to them instead of only interacting with them when it's about something negative?

I am so good to his kids and it makes me feel resentful. Why do his kids deserve to be treated well while mine only get anger from him. Why do his kids deserve special treatment? His kids routinely hug me and tell me that they love me. Mine have never done anything like that to Daddy, nor has he to them.

The other night, one of his kids misplaced their Gameboy and Daddy accused one of my kids of taking it. He made them get out of bed and pulled the blankets off and everything. Turns out that his kid had put it under their own blanket, in their own bed and had forgotten about it. I felt so angry and insulted that he didn't even apologize to my child.

In his world, there is one set of rules for his kids and one set for my kids.

I just feel so angry and resentful lot of the time but don't bother to say anything to him because he says that all I do is complain and talk about how I feel.

I am so lonely.

Bonne Fete Canada......

Am I bilingual, you ask? Bien sure. Canada is an officially bilingual country, you know. Besides, Daddy was raised French but now speaks primarily English, so our conversations are predominantly English with a smattering of French for good measure.

I have a French mother and an English Father and I attended school primarily in French until I hit high school. But, French, like all other languages, if you don't speak it daily, then you tend to lose it.

I suppose I speak french well enough to get by with my French patients at work but there are many dialects of French spoken here. It is a strange, strange country indeed.

So, today is Canada's 142 birthday. I suppose we're a pretty young country by European standards, aren't we?

We call this day "Canada Day". It is our National Holiday and everything is closed. We celebrate throughout the country by music, festivals, flag waving, face painting, stuffing our faces with barbecued food and then to top it all off.....the fireworks. Personally, I wait all year for the Canada Day Fireworks. It is such an event, one that I watch with rapt attention.

I'm such a little kid :P

Happy Canada Day to all my fellow Canadians. We have much to be proud of.

PS Happy Birthday Jamie :)