Who the fuck cares anymore, raise your hand....

I think the problem is, that Daddy and I are two different people who want two different things out of life. I feel like I have loved him with complete abandon, while he always held back. I feel like I have always been 100% upfront and honest, while he has lied repeatedly.

I keep telling him that the fact that he jerks off to 18 yr old girls is eroding our relationship. I just cannot accept it and never will be able to. It plays into my insecurities about my own body, it leaves me feeling self concsious, like I will never be "enough" for him.

I will never be an 18 yr old nymph again. I will never have perky breasts and a perfect body. It makes me feel that *I* am not really what he is lusting after. It just sickens me to think that he strokes his cock while he watches these young women with their perfect bodies and bleached assholes....and then I let him stick that same cock in my lesser mouth, my lesser pussy, my lesser ass. I feel so used, you have no idea.

I basically have had no desire to have sex with Daddy this past week, not for lack of trying on his part. But I am so affected by his porn viewing and subsequent lying, that I just cannot degrade myself.

I don't think he is even aware of the self loathing and self hatred that I feel as a result of this. I feel that I am not enough anymore. That I was never enough, but just never knew it.

I asked him this morning how he would feel if I watched porn and masturbated to men with bigger cocks than his. He said he would be fine with this but I don't believe him because he is frequently insecure about the size of his penis. As a matter of fact, he frequently brings up the very large cock of the Frenchman that I fucked before I met him.

So, I said "Fine" and went ahead and did it this morning. I watched porn and masturbated and it was not fulfilling in the least. It felt cheap and dirty and wrong to fantasize about some strange man's huge cock fucking me, instead of Daddy's. I actually felt very sad about the whole thing.

I USED to watch porn at one point...before I met Daddy and had no one to satisfy me sexually. But now, I have him and porn has no place in my life. It is not something I long for, miss, think about, etc. It is just something that I used to do that now holds zero appeal for me because I have a living, breathing man to please me sexually.

But Daddy doesn't feel that way.....and it is killing me inside.