So much has been happening the last few weeks. I feel like the world is spinning out of control and all I can do is hold on for dear life.
First off, I would like to thank you all for commenting, emailing, etc, regarding my recent issues with Daddy. I thank each and every one of you for your support.
I don't know what's going to happen between us, but this recent blowup has led to a lot of frank discussion about why he acts and does the things he does. I'm not sure what's going to happen at this point. We speak to one another in a civil way, we sleep in the same bed but part of me wonders "when I am going to get tired of watching him like a hawk?". Or perhaps better yet, "When am I finally going to have had enough"? Because frankly, I have taken WAY more from him than I ever thought I would and then the question becomes "WHY".
I'm sure that I can hear the lot of you groaning from here as you all wished that I would drop kick his ass out the door but...well, I just don't know what to say, I guess.
I feel that I need a break from life, so I have finally gone ahead and purchased some land near the water. I am quite excited about it as I have wanted this for a long while now. You know, I really wanted Daddy to be involved in this purchase. I wanted it to be something we did together but it has been like pulling teeth. You know, when we moved in together, I went out and bought the house. I went around with the realtor, I paid the down payment, paid the lawyer, my name is the only name on the mortgage...and after being together all this time, that is apparently what is going to happen with this land purchase too.
It was me that looked for this land, me who scraped the financing together, me who met with the lawyer. Daddy did come and looked at the land with me but it was difficult to get him to make a decision one way or another about whether we should buy it or not. It was almost like he didn't want to commit. Oh who am I kidding, that's exactly what it was. He told me some crap story about how he didn't really have the money right now, but that didn't stop him from buying a $400 GPS a couple of days ago :(
Yet, I'm sure we will all (including his children) use this land that I have bought. But I feel disappointed. I just wanted us to do something together for once, from start to finish. I wanted something that we both had a stake in, something that was OURS instead of "mine, but you use it too"
:(
Friday, October 16, 2009
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4 comments:
Good luck!
You must have some extraordinary powers, because after all you've gone through, you still function on many levels -- long after most of us would have gone to bed and pulled the covers over our heads.. Remarkable stamina, energy and doggedness.
You've said that daddy symbolizes a relationship and/or a life you'd like to have. As I get older it becomes clearer that there are two relationships in any relationship (two sides to a coin?) - and as you're all too aware, currently, Daddy's works far better for him than yours does for you.
Strangely, I feel for him; he seems as if he's running from something in himself he doesn't like (who isn't still there to some degree).
Finally, your honesty and articulation causes me to rethink some of my own behaviors and how it effects my wife and kids (and me)..so thanks..the examination's not lovely, but it is useful.
you forgot to mention that i sold one of my guitars to pay for the purchase of this gps, so you could have one as well. Why do you think i bought it? So we could spend time together...which i have enjoyed.
oh and it was an epiphone black beauty, worth about $800 with hardshell case. sold for $400. its not a money thing...it was because we found something to enjoy together with ourselves and our kids.
and yes im aware of my gramatical errors :P
its in your fucking cat!! lmao
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