The problem is that I have caught Daddy lying to me on multiple occasions for the past 10 months or so. Lying includes things like chatting online with other women (who were supposedly "just friends" but if that is the case why did he never tell me about it), deleting texts from these same women so that I wouldn't find out about him texting other women, watching porn obsessively (as in for hours at a time, even when I am home and wiling to fuck his brains out and yes, even when I am out getting groceries and he is watching our small children at home).
I have threatened to throw him out numerous times as I just can't take the fact that I can't trust him anymore. Yet, here we are 10 months later and he is still here.
We have gone to counselling and it seemed to help and I honestly thought that we were finally over all the previous bullshit with all the therapy we went to.
BUT, I got home from work last night and found him on his computer, no big deal as he is ALWAYS on his computer. But I trust him now because he is SORRY for what he has done in the past, right?
I casually ask him when the last time he looked for porn online and he said it was so long ago that he couldn't even remember when. He was so straight faced when he said it. I wanted to believe him, but "something" in my gut told me that he was lying.
So, when he left for work this morning, I checked out his computer. Now, as part of our counselling we BOTH have all passwords to email, facebook, banking, etc, on each other's computer. It is full disclosure, no hiding and no lying. Those are the rules.
And yet, here I was just this morning, opening up his laptop and WOW, what a surprise...look at all the porn. Even porn downloaded just the night before, when he told me "couldn't remember the last time because it had been so long ago".
Apparently, an hour before I got home from work is a "long time ago"
I don't know if it is so much a matter that he looked at porn, but more the fact that he lied right to my face without batting an eye.
Why can he lie to me so easily? Doesn't he have a conscience? Doesn't he feel badly when he lies?
I just don't understand anymore...
So, furious for being lied to again, I called him up, told him that I am packing his stuff as we speak and that he can get the hell out as I have had enough.
I am so angry. I just don't understand WHY?????? Why would he continue to lie to me after everything we've been through?
As sick as it sounds, I still love him and I am so sad about what this will do to our children, who have lived under our roof as brother and sister for the past couple of years.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I am miserable.
My own father was emotionally and physically abusive when I was younger. I was never Daddy's little girl. I was always a pain in the ass, a bother, someone to belittle. I was a very sad and unwanted child. My parents were 16(mother) and 19(father).
Because of this, I have constantly sought out men who recreated this dynamic that I had with my father.
The problem with this relationship with Daddy that makes it particularly hard to let go of is the fact that he is a "Daddy" type.
It feels like he "fixes" or makes up for parts of me that feel wounded from my horrible childhood. It's hard to explain.
Also the sex is addictive as he fulfills every sexual fantasy or want I have ever had.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I need counselling. Maybe we BOTH need counselling again.
All I know is that he called my bluff last night, got a moving van, packed all his crap in it, refused to answer my many angry texts and numerous phone calls......and I ran home from work, a sobbing crying mess to meet up with him just as he was leaving, Then we had a big screaming fight until I started crying like a baby and told him I didn't want him to leave... and then we had makeup sex.
I am so pathetic.
To have him leave feels like my father leaving me all over again. I know it is hard to understand as Daddy is not really my "father". But he fills that role for me. To have him leave, just crippled me emotionally and left me curled up into the fetal position, sobbing like a baby. I couldn't function all day once the anger wore off. I couldn't even eat. I was so screwed in the head.
So...long story short, he is back and we continue to dance the dance.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
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3 comments:
I feel your pain in so many ways.
The only way a dysfunctional relationship works if both people try. If he is lying to you... he is not trying.. plain and simple. Yes, he watched porn.. he should have admitted it... and tried to figure out why this is so important to him.. and no lied. Lying is not something easily forgiven.
I will no say more on that.. as I do not know the whole picture. Lying is lying though.. and you should not have to live with that.
I know how hard it to get the "balls" to leave when you think you love someone. The question is... do you love him or yourself more? This is obviously not a healthy relationship for either of you. Maybe instead of ending the relationship... you guys take a week apart? To ponder your relationship... to see what it is you want and what you need. At the end of the week.. sit down and talk about what you came up with. See what matches... see what each of you will have to give... and see if that is worth it to you. It wont be easy by any means.
Let me put it to you this way... is all this pain worth it? Do the good outweigh the bad? If you are miserable..what is the point of being together?
Be strong.. and think long and hard on what you need to do for you. You are the only person truly looking out for you and your heart.... you deserve to be happy.. as does he. Everyone does. You have to work on being happy.. no matter what that means. Single or together.
Best wishes
It's uncanny. Your relationship sounds so like what was going on between my brother and his wife while I was visiting them that I had to stop and think for a moment to convince myself that you're not my sister in law.
I know what you're going through, and if it's any consolation you're far from the only one who's in this situation.
I honestly couldn't believe she was willing to put up with so much crap from him, and I'm his brother. More than anything, I think his problem was that he just couldn't believe that she would actually go so far as to leave him - so he thought he could do as he pleased, put up with the screaming arguments, and wait for it to blow over.
Considering the number of times she'd given him "one final chance" it wasn't hard to see why he might have thought that...
I think Sierra's advice is good - take a break from each other. It did actually help my brother & his lady when he went away for a week.
He is the Daddy. I am not saying that he has the right to hurt you in any way you do not consent to, but thats just it. YOU consent to it by staying with him. He is who he is, in this dynamic he makes the rules. He gets to do what he wants, but you are tho one with the real power. You chose to stay or go. Even in regular vanilla relationships, there is only so much that you can do to change him. He is not going to change or stop, and at this point it is you who is hurting yourself putting up with it constantly. It is a subs job to obey, but not to be unhappy.
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