It was almost over between Daddy and I this weekend.
Sometimes we each just get so sick of each other's shit that things come to a head and explode. It's a "Battle Royale" of who can say the most horrible, hurtful things first.
This last time, I was completely out of control and consumed with anger. The argument was pretty nasty and escalated to the point of me shoving Daddy several times as he packed his things to leave. I was furious that he was packing his things to go. I hadn't even asked him to leave, yet there he was....leaving me again.
I was so angry. I wanted him to stay and fight. To resolve things. To move on. I wanted him to feel that our relationship was worth sticking around and working things out. It infuriated me that he would just "walk away" after everything we've been through.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I have never been like this in a relationship before and it bothers me that I shoved him. The only way I can explain it, is that I was hurting so much inside and talking to him just seemed to fall on deaf ears. I was angry. Really, really angry. Overtaken by anger. And so, I shoved him. Several times.
Our relationship is so fucking nasty. I just don't understand it anymore. It defies logic sometimes.
And yet, here we are, three days later...in love, snuggling at night and having intense, dirty sex.
I just don't get it.
Our relationship reminds me of this song, "Please don't leave me" by Pink. Every time I hear it on the radio, I think "Yep, that's us". I think, specifically, it's the lines
"I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?"
~OR~
"I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken"
~OR~
"How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty"
~OR
"Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it"
FanFuckingTastic.....
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
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1 comments:
Somehow I stumbled on your blog and read some of the passages this late afternoon. You seem very honest, very raw; you won't BS yourself as much as most of us do (which is unusual). This is tough in a society where norms don't exist and things are falling apart (and people have to pull it together individually); we need a functioning village, but there's no village, at least for the time being.
Moreover, I sense it means you feel everything. You're not asleep like most of us who sleep because it's too hard being awake.
A good (good means competent and compatible) counselor, a good clergy person, a good friends, god(s) if you believe in them ...all could help. In the end I think we are who we are; the journey's difficult and we do it we alone or if we're happily married or companioned with a bit of company, but basically alone. Hopefully we do the journey with a degree of dignity, integrity and grace; I don't think there's any getting there.
In a related manner, I'm reminded of an interview several years ago w/ Robert Downey, the actor, after he'd gone through hell and back for a decade or two, commenting that he finally realizee he's a very high maintenance guy and that's who he is and he may not like it but deals w/ it...and allows for it. As a high maintenance person, that resonates with me.
Again, good luck and thanks for being honest. I think that's a lot of who you are.
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