Thank you M. S., whoever you are.....

You know, sometimes I get the most wonderful email from my readers.

Sometimes it's people asking for advice about their love lives, sometimes it's people who just want to say that they like my blog and sometimes it's men that want to have an affair on their wives. BUT once in awhile I'll get a completely selfless email written for the purpose of easing the suffering of another human being.

And for that, I would like to thank you M. S.

For the me, the part of his email that touched me the most was the ending, when he wrote:

"You faced a painful situation and made a difficult decision. Your love for the baby is apparent. I suspect the baby is saying "I understand. I forgive you, mom. Please forgive yourself. You do not have to carry a burden of shame and guilt with you now or for the rest of your life." Kaii, listen to the words of that baby and extend to yourself the same compassion and forgiveness that I suspect you would give to another woman."

Just reading those words "I understand. I forgive you Mom. Please forgive yourself" was immensely healing for me because those are the words that I so desperately wanted to hear. I wanted the baby to forgive me and I wanted to forgive myself but I couldn't because I felt that it was all my fault. I couldn't let go of this pain that I have been carrying around with me since I had to make that horrible decision. And for some reason, just hearing people say "It's not your fault, you know. This wasn't your fault" just wasn't quite enough because I firmly believe that it WAS my fault.

So, for me to finally hear those words "I forgive you", was an enormously powerful thing because it didn't confirm or deny that I was at fault for what happened. But it absolved the guilt that I've been carrying. To me it said "It doesn't matter if it was your fault or not because I understand why you had to do what you did and I forgive you for it." It's weird that the wording would matter to me so much. But this whole time, all I was searching for was forgiveness. I just wanted someone to tell me that the baby forgave me for what I've done to him.

It's kind of like when you go to confession, I guess.

I thank you very much to M. S. who took the time out of their day to write this email. It has made a great difference to me and how I view this whole situation.

But most importantly, it has made a great difference in the way I feel about myself....and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.