Happy Blogiversary!!!!

Okay, fine.

I am writing something.

I feel scattered the last few days. I have actually opened up my blog half a dozen times with the intention of writing SOMETHING but have ended up with nothing.

It's hard to maintain and write a blog on a regular basis. I give my kudos to people who update every few days. I just don't have the dedication. Do you hear that people, I am undedicated :P

So, I realized something today. It is a few days shy of the second anniversary of my blog, so happy blogiversary to the Fifth Circle of Hell!! So much has happened in the past 2 years, it is hard to fathom what my life was really like just a few short years ago.

I was unhappily married, hating my job and hating life. I felt that I was stagnating and dying inside by staying with my now ex husband yet I was determined to stay for the sake of our children. I had actually contemplated killing myself and what implications that would have on the quality of life of my children. I just couldn't take it anymore. And so, I was acting out. I was doing things behind my husband's back as a way of "getting back at him".

I was actively seeking out and meeting men online for sex. It was a very dark and depressing time of my life. I look back on it now with a mixture of relief and shame. I am glad that time of my life is over. I am glad I am in a better place, although the path to get here was unpleasant.

I am so ashamed at some of the things that I did back then. I mean, meeting strangers online for sex? You can't get much lower than that. I should of asked each of them for a $20 and then I would of been a legit prostitute instead of a just a whore.

How embarrassing. I think of those encounters now with such regret but it is the shame that stays with me as time goes by. I was THAT girl. How could *I* have been that girl?? Me, the dedicated nurse, the volunteer with the disabled, the mother with children. Yes, me. It was me. I fucked men that I met online, most of the time in their cars, in the dark, behind some building in the middle of the night. Did I know these men? Nope. Did I know anything about them, other than the fact that they claimed to be married? Nope. Was I stupid? ABSOLUTELY. Was I desperate? Without a doubt. Did I care about myself? No.

I have been so many things in my life, it surprises me sometimes when I sit and think about the things that I've done. If it were someone else that I heard did these things I would think to myself "OMG, WTF is wrong with that person? Why would they do such things?". But it IS me that has done them and so I am not one to sit in judgement of anyone.

This blog has been with me though, through the thick and thin, so thank you Fifth Circle of Hell and thank you readers for sticking with me in the dark times as well as the good times....and there have been plenty of dark times.

Thanks everyone for your support!!