Regrets.....

Once upon a time, I met and fell in love with a boy.

I was married at the time, but, meh, who's counting?.

OR should I say I was very young and unhappily married to a workaholic who was never home.

I was lonely and sad and this boy took my breath away. He was fun, intelligent and extremely nice looking. His name was Jamie and he was my workaholic husband's, best friend's, little brother. Ohhhhh, I know, the plot thickens.

Jamie was quite a bit younger than me. I had actually met him one time years before, when he was 8 or so. Of course, he didn't hold the appeal and magnetism as an 8 year old that he held now.

It all started with a dream. One night, after he and his brother had come over and helped us paint our house, I'd had a dream about him. An extremely realistic sexual dream. I woke up the next morning and couldn't stop thinking about him. And that is what started the whole sordid affair.

With some prompting, on my part, Jamie and I started sleeping together. I WANTED him. Really, really wanted him. I needed to have him and would let nothing stand in the way of that. I did whatever he wanted me to. I bought him smokes, I gave him money, I gave him whatever he asked for. I look back now and see that I was really buying his love, but I was 24 and stupid and had a husband that didn't pay attention to me.

I was lonely, oh so lonely but when Jamie was around, those feelings of being alone went away. He made me laugh, a lot. He was really smart and interesting and we would sit out back at night and look at the stars while he would smoke cigarettes. I didn't smoke, but I just wanted to be in his presence. I felt happy when I was with him.

Months later, I ended up pregnant by Jamie. What a surprise that something like that could happen when you don't use protection :P I felt happy for the first time in a really long time. Jamie and I had a bond forever in our love child. I thought we would be together forever as this would be my chance to get away from my always absent husband.

But how wrong I was.

Jamie didn't step up to the plate. He wouldn't work and refused to stay at any job for very long. He continued to smoke dope and lived with a bunch of guy roomates. There wasn't any place for me and our baby in his life. I began to panic when I realized that I had no place else to go.

I hung around though, hoping and praying that things would change. I'd finally had enough about six months after our baby was born and it became apparent that I was waiting around for nothing. I told Jamie that I was wrong and that the baby wasn't his. And he believed me.

It was wrong but I guess I figured that the baby had a better chance at a decent life if I stayed with my workaholic husband. At least he wanted to work and even though he knew about the affair, he was willing to raise the baby as his own.

Jamie believed me, and to this day, I still question how he could when the baby looked just like him. You'd think he would of questioned it more but he seemed complacent and relieved when the burden of fatherhood was lifted.

And now here we are 9 years later. Jamie and I have kept in contact all this time. Why? I'm not sure. We just seem to gravitate towards one another, I guess. We are very similar in a lot of ways and I guess our lives are frequently messed up and it is nice to have the support of someone who understands how you think.

Several years ago, I finally came clean and told him the truth about our child but they have yet to re-meet one another. He hasn't seen our child since he was 6 months old. Now that the truth has been out for years, you'd think Jamie would want to see him. That he would be in a hurry to reconnect with him and make up for lost time.

But no. I'm not sure why that is. I think it is 95% on his part and 5% on mine. He has a new life now, with a girlfriend who sounds controlling. She doesn't seem to want to accept that Jamie had a child with someone else and so they never talk about it. How can they not talk about it, you ask!?! I have no idea, it makes very little sense to me. But apparently it is a topic that she refuses to discuss.

If Daddy had children with someone other than me, which he does, I would want to do my best to nurture that relationship because I love Daddy and I know that it would be important to him to see his children and have a relationship with them. I wouldn't stand in the way because his children were here before I even came into the picture.

It just sounds like a convenient excuse, if you ask me. "Oh, my girlfriend doesn't like the fact that I had a child before I met her and so I'm going to pretend that I don't... because it makes her happy.

It's been 9 years but I guess I am feeling bitter today. You see, Jamie is a "friend" on my Facebook and I just noticed that last night he had been tagged in several photos at his brothers wedding. I looked through all the photos and felt a combination of sadness and anger. There, in just about every picture, was his smiling and happy family. Jamie, both his sisters, his brother and his mother. There were also several pictures of his girlfriend, overweight and looking like a sausage stuffed into a dress. She looked like she would make a great contestant on that new FOX dating show called "More to Love".

FANfuckingTASTIC.

I feel bitter. Those smiling faces in the picture...that family.....is MY child's family. That is his father, his uncle, his aunts and his grandmother. And yet, he has never met any of them. And for some reason, the fact that he doesn't even know his own Grandmother bothers me immensely as I had a wonderful relationship with my own Grandmother.

My son's aunts don't even know that he even exists and Jamie's brother, who does know, told me that he is unwilling to get involved because of not wanting to rock the boat.

So, because the girlfriend is upset by REALITY, then no one else in the family gets to know of or have a relationship with my child?

Sigh...