I have no cheeky title......

I'm not really sure what to write, right now. A lot has happened this morning and I am feeling dazed, confused, afraid and sad.

"First things" first....

I am pregnant.

I'll give you a second to digest that.

Ready? Okay, "Second thing"....

I may not be pregnant for very long.

Basically, I have not had a period in forever and gave up pregnancy testing as it always told me that I wasn't pregnant. But then I started spotting 4 days ago and then, last night, that spotting was accompanied by intense abdominal cramps on one side of my abdomen.

This morning, the pain was so bad that I drove myself to the hospital to get checked out. Nothing like going to your place of employment and turning into a sobbing mess in front of the people you work with. Yessir, nothing like it.

After being poked numerous times for blood, had an iv inserted, had a massive shot right in my ass cheek, urine samples, pelvic exam, abdominal ultrasound, etc, I was finally told that: A. I am indeed pregnant B. Need more blood work in two days to establish if my HCG levels are increasing or decreasing C. I could potentially have an ectopic pregnancy D. I could be miscarrying right now E. The pregnancy fairy could wave her little wand and everything could turn out just Jim Dandy afterall.

I was so upset by all this news that as soon as the doctor left the room, I cried like a baby and continued crying for the next 3 hours. I called Daddy, who was at work, and he rushed to the hospital to be with me. And then I cried some more when he got there. Then I was discharged from Emerg with instructions that my OBGYN wants me to have more bloodwork drawn on Sunday and then to see him right afterwards....on a Sunday. You know damn well that things are not good when your doctor wants to see you on a Sunday.

I then took the elevator up to my floor to tell my nurse manager that I had been put off for several days...and then I cried again like a sobbing fool right in her office. She's my BOSS for the love of god. Then I met one of my coworkers in the hall on the way out and she hugged me and said "What's wrong?" and I cried some more.

I am completely distraught. I am a nurse. I know how the hospital works. I know how Doctors work. They give you the bad news sandwiched between a bunch of candy coated "crappola". It's a way of keeping the patients hoping for the best.

So, basically, I'm pretty much fucked. I'm probably having a miscarriage as we speak and if I'm LUCKY, it won't be in my fallopian tube.

I am so sad.

All I can think about is the fact that Daddy and I made a baby...and more than likely, it's little life is over before it even began. It's gone.

Gone.

Was it a boy? Was it a girl? I am just haunted... by thoughts of what could of been.......