Don't open the champagne yet......

That is what the Specialist told Daddy and I today.

I am still bleeding from the crotch like a stuck pig, but I am also still pregnant. My pregnancy hormones have increased over the last 2 days...so who the fuck knows what is going on. I sure as hell don't and neither does the doctor.

In a nutshell...I could still be having a miscarriage -OR- I could be having a tubal pregnancy where they end up giving you a hefty shot of Methotrexate to end the pregnancy before your tube ruptures and you could potentially hemorrhage to death- OR- things could progress normally and I could have a baby in the next 9 months....who the fuck knows.

I just feel so confused.

I was sure I was going to hear horrible news today and had been crying my fucking eyes out all weekend. The thought of losing my baby is truly devastating to me. I felt so hopeless. The sadness was overwhelming, I could feel it right down to the marrow of my bones and I spent most of the weekend curled up in the fetal position on our bed. Daddy bought me a stuffed Piglet and I held and stroked it as I cried. I was pretty pathetic, puffy eyed and snotty, but Daddy still loved me and rubbed my back a lot.

But now...

I just don't know what to think. Should I be happy? Should I be sad?

I am just confused.

I am afraid to be happy because things could still turn ugly any minute, and then I would be even more devastated. I am afraid to be positive and feel uplifted. It only makes it further to fall when things go to crap.

I am having more blood work done in 2 days. They are looking for my pregnancy hormones to keep rising, otherwise I get the dreaded "Methotrexate". I am scared to death. It is a chemo drug. They give it to people with cancer. The side effects can be quite devastating.

I am so scared on all fronts.

I wish I were religious, so I could have something to hold onto. But all I have is Science....and she can be a cold and cruel mistress sometimes.

*sigh*

I think I need ice cream...no, the baby needs ice cream. And I AM pregnant after all(at least for now), so I think I will go get some.

Send baby dust and positive vibes my way ;)