Can it be possible......

That I have the shittiest fucking life EVER???

I went and got my pregnancy hormone results yesterday and I should of known what was coming when the doctor brought me into the Gyno examining room and asked me to "sit down". Normally in a Gyno room, it's take off your pants, get up on the table and spread em.

But in my self induced "hope" bubble, I just didn't see that. So, when she delivered the horrible, crushing news that my pregnancy hormones had decreased and I was miscarrying, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just stared at her in shock. I demanded to know the numbers, my brain just didn't register the truth.

Words flew from my mouth as the tears leaked from my eyes.

"How can this be? The numbers were going up, weren't they? I just don't understand. Why did this happen? Is this going to keep happening if we keep trying? Are you sure there's no way the numbers can still go up?"

I just felt so full of hope and to have that torn away from me was excruciating. On Sunday, when I was bleeding like crazy....I expected the news to be bad but when we went that day and the news was sort of good, it gave me hope, godamnit, it gave me hope that things would be okay. I said I wouldn't let the hope consume me because it would only give me further to fall if things went bad later on. But, I guess, when hope is all you have, sometimes you hold onto it with both hands.

I am completely devastated.

I feel like I had a perfect little life in my hands and I lost it. Like Daddy and I made something that was perfect and good....and I killed it. I killed my baby. My body killed it. My traitorous woman body. I am a failure as a woman and a mother.

Daddy keeps telling me that it is not my fault, but I am still filled with guilt and shame. The guilt and shame I can handle, I guess, but it is the sadness and loneliness that overwhelms me.

I suppose most men don't understand this concept of loneliness, when a child has been lost, as they don't carry children in their bodies. But carrying a life inside you changes who you are. You take better care of yourself, you do things that you wouldn't normally do for yourself because it is "for the baby". Being pregnant gives you the feeling of not being alone anymore. Someone else is there with you constantly and is present in all your conscious decisions. It is not a matter of "I" anymore, it is now "Us". Women talk to their unborn babies, they stroke their stomachs lovingly. There is an emotional and physical bond between a mother and her child. The baby is always present, present in the mother's thoughts and in the mother's actions.

I talked to my baby. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was flooded with the urge to bond with it, to love it. There was the two of us.....and now that has been ripped away and there is just me.

I feel so lonely. I could picture the baby in my mind. I could picture myself holding it and loving it ( you have no idea how much that bothers me now). I could picture it's 10 tiny fingers and toes and soft fuzzy hair. I could picture myself feeding it from my breasts. In my heart, I felt that it was a little boy and after having several children, I have never been wrong yet. But now, I will never know. I will never hold him. He will only live in my imagination.

Life was so full of possibilities and now, there is nothing. There are only tears. How many tears can a mother cry? I don't know, but I fear they will never stop. I fear that I will carry this loss with me forever.

Last night, I dreamt that I was very pregnant. I dreamt that my stomach was swollen and round. I could feel the baby moving inside of me as I talked to him. God, I was so happy. So content and peaceful inside.

I feel like a part of me has died.