Anti Christmas

Holy shit, it's December.

How the hell does it sneak up on us like that? Wasn't it was just October, like yesterday, and now here we are 3 weeks away from Christmas.

I am feeling decidedly "un-Christmasy" this year. I don't know why. I was quite the go getter at first and have had all my Christmas shopping done for weeks. But now, I just kind of feel like "Meh" and don't really seem to care anymore. The presents have actually been sitting in my closet ever since I bought them.

The Christmas tree has been up for a week, undecorated. I haven't even put the lights on it. My Christmas sprit has just got up and left.

Bah Humbug!

You see, the thing is, I am not religious at ALL. So, all this "birth of Christ" crappola doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I used to be somewhat religious, once upon a time. But that time is long gone. So, because of my "past" religiousness, I actually have a Nativity set and put it up with the kids a few days ago.

Not one single kid, of mine or Daddy's, knew who any of the characters were. Not even baby Jesus. Part of me felt a little bit guilty about that and then part of me felt good that I hadn't filled my children's heads with mythical nonsense.

Yes, I truly am one of those who do not believe. Somedays, I wish I did though because the realization that this life is ALL there is, is quite depressing and sad. To think that all we are, are just apes whose brains grew too big, is truly depressing to me. To believe in an afterlife, a place where you will be rejoined forever with your loved ones is just too far fetched for me....but I wish it were true.

I have recently been quite sick and perhaps that accounts for my lack of Christmas cheer. Sick, as in requiring the services of a surgeon. I have been quite bleedy, full of pain, sedated and whiny.....and Daddy has handled it all like a champ.

I believe that, quite possibly, I am the worst sick person on the planet. I detest being sick. I feel like I am supposed to be the caretaker, not the patient. Consequently, I am filled with guilt that someone else has to look after me and I analyze my every single symptom to death in an attempt to get better quicker. I also refuse to take enough pain medication because I am terrified of becoming addicted to pain killers. Consequently, I wake up in the middle of the night, riddled with uncontrolled pain and finally give in and take the medication I should of taken in the first place. And then I lay there for an hour and whimper while I wait for the medication to take effect. I am just horrid.

I do like it when Daddy takes care of me though. It really feeds into that Daddy/little girl thing we have together. He makes me soup, gives me my medicaion, rubs me. It is very comforting.

He is not all bad, you know. I generally portray him to be a monster on here. And sometimes, it's true...he really is a giant ass. I have never lied about anything that he has done. It is all the truth.

Daddy is sometimes hurt or upset by the things I say about him, here on my blog. But the truth is, he is not all bad. Sometimes, he is quite wonderful. The chemistry between us is something I have never experienced with another human being. I had never had such chemistry before. It is explosive and seems to spill over into other aspects of our relationship. Everything is intense. The love, the hate, the sex, the arguing.

We talk very openly about how we feel and I am frequently surprised by how often Daddy will come out and tell me what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling, even before I open my mouth. He is very intuitive sometimes.

He does have some really wonderful qualities and that is what makes me stay when things aren't so good.

Why isn't he divorced yet?

Way back when I first met Daddy, we were both still married. No, let me rephrase that.....

Back when I met Daddy, I was married and still living at home with my husband and children. Daddy had been tossed out on his ass by his ex wife 6 months prior, under the guise that they were going to try and "work things out".

Yeah right.

So, Daddy and I meet and it's sparks a fireworks all around. I am completely swept off my feet by him. He's charming, sexy, dominant, intelligent, funny and says the most wonderful things to me. It's like catnip to the soul after my very long and difficult marriage.

So, I decide that life is too damn short to be unhappy one minute longer and I leave my husband for this amazing relationship that I have found with Daddy.

And I mean leave "everything". I leave my children behind and from then on am only a "part time mother" with 50/50 custody. I leave my beautiful house behind with acres of land to buy a house on my own in the city with a much smaller lot. I leave behind the relationship with various members of my family, who now refuse to speak to me because I've left my husband. I leave behind financial security and now have to work more than I've ever worked before to make ends meet.

And I do it.

I do it all, because it is for Daddy and I, so we can be together.

So, fast forward almost two years from that initial meeting. Just disregard for a moment all that has gone on in the past two years and all the problems we've encountered along the way and one thing is still left standing and glaring me in the face.....

Daddy is still legally married to his cunt of an ex wife.

I, on the other hand, have done everything in my power to cut the ties to my ex husband and susbsequently, we are no longer married. Our divorce was granted last month. I did all the leg work myself because I wanted it to be over, to finally be free and no longer tied to my ex under the eyes of the law. I petitioned the court all by myself. I showed up for the trial, all by myself. I did everything all by my fucking self. I didn't ask for anyone's help, I did it myself because I was in a relationship with Daddy and it was the right thing to do...to be divorced and not let things drag on forever.

I was with Daddy now, not my ex husband, so what purpose did it serve me to stay married to someone else????

Yet, Daddy is STILL married and is no closer to being divorced than he was 6 months ago when I prodded him into getting a lawyer. I mean, how can that be??? He is so apathetic about the whole thing, he just couldn't care less either way whether he's divorced or not. He drags his ass on bringing papers in to the lawyers office. He doesn't call his lawyer to see where the divorce is at or what he needs to do to make it speed up. He just doesn't give a shit one way or another whether he is divorced or not.

Whenever I bring it up, he says to me "What difference does it make? When I go to bed at night, I am laying down next to you". Give me a break. It makes a HUGE difference. It means you are no longer tied to another person. It means that you have moved on. It means you have put a period at the end of the fucking sentence.

It makes a tremendous difference to me. To me, it shows a lack of commitment and respect for OUR relationship. To me, it shows that he is unwilling to be proactive and do what it takes to sever the ties between him and his ex wife. I mean, WHY would he want to stay legally married to her? He has already asked me to marry him 9 months ago and I said "yes", so why hasn't he worked towards getting a divorce?

It just makes no sense. He has been separated for much longer than I was, yet he is still married while I am now divorced.

I feel angry and betrayed. I gave up so much to be with him and in the end, he is still married and I am not.

Something is wrong with this picture....

Leo and Cancer up a tree......

So, what's new today?

Well, Jamie is mad at me for my previous post on my take of my visit and subsequent meeting between him and our son.

All along he has maintained that he doesn't read my blog but I know he's a freaking liar. Of course he reads. I know he does. If he had one, I would probably read it too. It's just a natural curiosity to see what someone else is thinking.

Anyway, he emailed me the same day I posted and told me off.

Great.

"Well, I looked at your blog as it's the only way to ever get your true feelings out of you... WTF is your problem? You're in no position to bitch about anything, here.


You have no idea what goes on in my life, or what I have to deal with. My gf and I had a huge fight before I saw you. I figured the best way to get past this all as quickly as possible would be for us to both just go over. Stop thinking you were set up. It's not all about you, you know. The fact that my parents apologized to you pisses me the fuck off, too. Just like always, I'm left in the fucking dark. I have parents that hide things from me and go behind my back, an immature girlfriend, and a stupid cunt of an ex who can only come clean to strangers on the internet.


Please don't email me for a few months... just stay the fuck away. You piss me the fuck off."


Lovely.

You know, the part that I don't understand though is that I DID tell him how I felt about the visit in an email I had sent to him previous to this little freak out of his. He had asked me how I'd felt about everything and I told him pretty much everything that I wrote in my post here. So, I am not really sure what part he is so pissed off about.

I love the part though where he calls me a "stupid cunt of an ex who can only come clean to strangers on the internet".

*sigh*

Somedays, I just want to walk away from all this and tell him to leave me alone for good. It would make both of our lives easier. I just don't know what it is about him but we just seem to get under one another's skin. It's a love/hate relationship, for sure. I love him because he's the father of my son, but then part of me wants to slap him repeatedly.

I guess I am just pissed that he would tell me to fuck off just days after meeting our son. Why would he do that, especially since I had already told him how I felt about the meeting the day before I posted to my blog? Did reading about it make it more real, somehow?

I don't know anymore. I just don't understand him. We're both so very different but we have this child in common...and now he has told me to go fuck off....again.

I don't think we are ever going to get anywhere with this. We just can't seem to get along. We like each other, we hate each other. We like each other, we hate each other. I don't know if it's because we have unresolved feelings for one another or if it's because we actually hate one another but are tied together in some form for the rest of our lives by our child.

God, life is complicated.

Staring into the abyss......

I am tired of my shitty life.

Yet, I stay and put up with it rather than just cut my losses and move on. Why do I accept less when I deserve more ? I have no idea. I am spineless and weak, apparently.

The latest episode in my little saga involves Daddy having a conversation with my best friend about blowjobs.

Fanfreakingtastic.

My best friend and I have been best friends for the past 26 years. We met way back when we were little kids.

She recently has been having a lot of marital troubles at home and has been coming over to my house waaaay more than she ever has. The problem is her husband won't put out anymore, is distant, so consequently they fight alot and he spends a lot of time on the computer and away from the home.

I think he's having an affair and have said as much, but she thinks that I'm wrong.

My problem, however, is with Daddy. He has told me on numerous occasions that my friend is "attractive" or "cute". Okay, fine. I would never say such a thing to him about his friends because it is hurtful and threatening, but whatever.

Whenever my friend comes over, he makes it a point to hang around the entire time. He makes conversation, plays with her 6 month old baby, flirts, etc.

Last night, my best friend made a comment to him about how I have recently gotten braces put on my teeth and how could I still give him a blowjob and Daddy went on in detail to tell her how he liked his c@ck sucked.

I just sat there like someone sucker punched me. Daddy later said that he figured if I felt that the topic was inappropriate that I should of said something. I mean, come on. Couldn't he figure out himself that talking about getting his cock sucked with my best friend was probably not a topic that I was going to approve of.

I mean, SHE is supposed to be my best friend and HE is supposed to be my boyfriend.

After she left, we got into a huge fight. He thinks he did nothing wrong by answering her question. I am furious at her for even asking and furious at him for not blowing her off.

I would never have such disrespect towards Daddy to talk about how I like my twat licked with his best friend. It just seems so disrespectful and I half wonder if anything is going on between the two of them.

He said I am just being totally insecure.

Of course I am being insecure. He has chatted online with a 24 yr old. He has texted with other women and lied about it. He has obsessively watched and downloaded porn. He has contacted his ex gf on Facebook and sent teasing little messages back and forth. And now he has talked about how he likes his cock sucked with my best friend.

Why the fuck would I be insecure?????

When am I going to wake up?

The trip is over.....

Okay, so I am back and the trip and initial meeting between Jamie and our son is finally over.

So, how do I feel about everything? How did everything go? Hmmm.....well, let's discuss what took place, shall we?

I arrived at Jamie's parent's place after travelling for 3 hours. I pulled into their driveway, turned off the car and who comes out of the house but Jamie. Now, I had not been expecting this because Jamie initially told me that he would NOT be there when I arrived. He told me that he would call later into the visit, possibly the next day and would then come over and meet our son.

I was not prepared to see him so suddenly like that and I immediately felt sick and panicky. I hadn't seen him in 8 years. No, let me rephrase that. I hadn't seen him in the flesh since giving birth to our child, eight years ago, and then pining away for him for years afterwards.

He walked over to the car and I got out and we hugged. A friendly, "Hey, haven't seen you since you pushed my kid out your twat, kind of hug". If was brief and uncomfortable. And then it dawned on me....since Jamie was here, did that also mean that his girlfriend was here also? Oh be still my heart.

"Is she here too? You told me that she wasn't going to be here at any point".

"Yeah, she changed her mind at the last minute and I figured it was going to be weird enough as it was, so what difference would it make"

Uh huh.

So, basically, I was completely set up and no one even bothered to warn me. Not Jamie, not his mother, not his sister, no one. Fucking wonderful.

So, I walked in the house and bitchface is there and is glaring daggers at me. Uncomfortable much? It's bad enough that this is only the second time that I have even met Jamie's parents...so, I don't even know them very well as it is. But add Jamie and his gf who has had an extreme hate on for me for several years and YEAH....FANTASTIC.

Jamie, his sister and bitchface take off downstairs with my son and leave me upstairs with the parents. I think that was the "plan" for the evening. But HELLO, my son just met you and this is only the second time that he's ever met your sister. So after ten minutes or so, I go downstairs to see what they're doing and walk right up to Jamie's gf and introduce myself....since no one else bothered to do so. I offered my hand out to shake hers and she barely touched it and said nothing to me. She wouldn't even look me in the eye.

Then, supper is ready and we all go back upstairs again. We all sit down to eat, with the exception of Jamie's gf, who has refused to eat, for some odd reason. Instead, she sits in living room, alone, and watches us eating in the dining room. The conversation was extremely tense and uncomfortable, you have no idea. I don't think I even said a word the entire time.

Finally supper is over, and Jamie, his mother, sister and gf take off downstairs again to the rec room with my son, leaving me upstairs with Jamie's stepfather. I mean, come the fuck on. I drove three fucking hours to be ambushed like this? I was so close packing up and leaving, you have no idea.

I felt extremely pissed off and marched downstairs and sat with everyone for the next 4 hours with no one saying more than a handful of words to me the entire time. It was almost like they were afraid that by making conversation with me, that it would be seen as disloyal to Jamie's gf.

The next day, we went out to take my son sightseeing with Jamie and his family. The gf didn't tag along this time, only because she had to work. Things were more relaxed and Jamie's parents took me aside and apologized for what had taken place the night before. They said that they had no idea that Jamie and his gf were going to show up and that they had just arrived shortly before we did and therefore they had no time to warn me. I told them it was okay....but I really felt that it wasn't. I felt really betrayed by this. Especially the way that everyone ignored me all night. It is almost like I am tolerated for the time being because my son cannot go and visit them on his own yet. So, until that time, I am just something to "put up with".

This whole first meeting was a big jumble of sadness, anger and fear. I was glad when it was all over. I felt extremely tense the entire time.

However, I was glad to finally see my son and Jamie together as they are two peas in a pod. They look alike, act alike and I pray that this relationship will be a good one for both of them.

Hopefully things will be smoother next time we all meet.

Pieces....

I need something to pull me out of this hole.

I think I would like to start painting. I used to love drawing and painting when I was younger. I found it very calming. Perhaps that's something I should look into again. I would love to have an easel, so I could stand there and paint. It seems very romantic :)

So, today is an interesting day.....

I am travelling with my son to go and meet his biological father for the first time. I am so sick, I could just puke. I haven't seen Jamie in 8 years and I am extremely nervous and sick to my stomach. Part of me worries that he won't show and I will have drug my son through all this trauma for nothing, and then part of me worries that he will show.

We are meeting at his parents house, because they made the effort to contact me and actually came and met my son for the first time a couple of months ago. And you know what, I really like them. I was worried that meeting them would be awkward but it really wasn't. I hope they continue to be a part of my son's life. They are a really nice family. I worried that the fact that Jamie and I had had an affair so long ago would already be a strike against me in their eyes, but they were very kind and understanding.

And so now, I am going to visit them at their home and Jamie is supposedly going to come over as well. I feel so conflicted about the whole thing. If I could sum it up in one word, it would be AFRAID.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of what is going to happen. Will everything go well, or will Jamie's girlfriend come over and slash my tires in a psycho fit of rage?

Who the hell knows. Somedays I think my life is a Jerry Springer episode.

And then there's Daddy and how he feels about the whole thing. He has been somewhat jealous of Jamie in the past. I'm not sure if it's because of the sexual nature of our relationship or the fact that Jamie and I had a kid together. Or a combination of both. It makes no sense, really, because Daddy is not jealous of my ex husband at all....and I had sex with him too :P

Weird.

Last night, he told me to get upstairs because we were going to have sex. He said he had to "mark his territory" before I left to go meet Jamie today.

I found it amusing.

My life is.....

a jumbled up mess.

No one ever said life would be this hard. Why doesn't it come with an Instruction Manual?

Tell me you love me....

I feel like I am running around in circles. Always chasing my tail and never going anywhere, really.

You know I love you so....

I've been trying hard to reach you, but I don't know what to do anymore. Somedays I think you get it, but then...

There is a job posting at work for the Psychiatry Floor. I've been thinking about it. A lot. I feel burnt out from Oncology nursing. It is emotionally draining every damn day that I walk onto the floor. "So and so is dying", "so and so is almost dying", "so and so's prognosis is poor". I am so tired of hearing that. Can't anyone just fucking miraculously get better?

We teamed a patient about a week ago. CPR was performed. Ribs were broken. The girls came running with the crash cart. Electrodes placed. "All Clear".

The woman died. That was it. Several hours before she had been talking with her husband, joking with me as I took her vitals, eating a sandwich, living.... and then she wasn't.

It is hard for me to wrap my head around this sometimes.

What do you do after something like that happens? The adrenaline just courses through your body. The fear and guilt over what you've just done to another human being sickens you. The trauma never leaves you. Scenes play over and over in your head.

A lot of the nurses on my floor can only sleep at night once they are sufficiently medicated with Ativan, Benadryl and Tylenol 3. It's a good combination. Bet you didn't know nurses did that, did you? It sounds sick and wrong on some level, doesn't it? I have yet to succumb to that particular crutch. However, the insomnia gets to me sometimes. It has been particularly bad lately.

I feel like the walking dead. Lumbering around, machinelike and numb. But once I get home and escape from the numbness, I frequently feel angry, sad and hopeless. Is it my job? Is it the state of my personal life? Or a combination of everything?

I got into an argument with Daddy today. His ex wife had called last night and said she was bringing their kids over and that one of them was sick...with fever and cough. Well, I don't know about you, but with all the H1N1 hysteria floating around and the fact that neither his children nor mine are vaccinated against it, got my ears pricked up a little. Okay, a lot. I am a nurse, what can I do? As soon as I hear that someone is sick, I need information, symptoms, details, etc.

I wanted to know how high was the fever, were there chills associated with it, how long had she had it? I wanted to know about the cough, was it dry, productive, croupy, was there any phlegm, what colour was it?

So Daddy, called her back and asked and her answer was "Oh, I didn't even take her temperature but she felt warm so I've been giving her Motrin and she's been coughing"

WTF!!!!

She didn't even take her temperature????? Then how did she even know that she was even febrile? "She felt warm" is a statement that is open to a lot of interpretation. OMG, I just can't deal with incompetence like this.

I was even more pissed when said sick child showed up at my door this morning, ready to infect my brood, and Daddy announces that ex wifey told him that "the fever had broken and that she was better". I immediately got VERY defensive and we started to argue. How the hell could he take the word of a fucking call centre worker with a high school education over MINE???????

She's a fucking idiot who didn't even take this kid's temperature in the first place. How in holy hell can she possibly have the intelligence and physical assessment abilities to even decide that "the fever had broken"?

Holy Flying Fiddling Fuck.

I fucking hate people sometimes.